They (too) concerned with children's success!
The main ideas
- Experiencing the future of a child, parents want to be sure that it "will break" - and rely on his studies.
- His successes and failures they (wrongly) perceive as their own, wanting unconsciously, that he made up for all the things that they could not in life.
- The child lives adult life - overloaded, discouraged, tired. Unconsciously resist parental pressure, it can become a poor student.
PHOTO EDOUARD CAUPEIL FOR PSYCHOLOGIES FRANCE
The daily routine grader Julia to match the working day of a minister. After school girl hurries home in time to make the lessons before coming tutor English (Monday and Thursday) or will have to run on a circle on stories (Wednesday and Saturday). Her parents (he is - a surgeon, she - the auditor) are returned late, but try to make time to see the lessons and on weekends working on the theme for the next week. Julia realizes that mom and dad are closely watching studies for her own future, but sometimes she would like to spend a day "just so": to play with the cat, go rollerblading or call to visit a girlfriend. But it is rare that even during the holidays Julia solves problems and writing exercises "on this lesson."
The cult advances
Pressure parental anxieties and expectations of many children begin to feel well before the school bell would call them in the first grade. "The nursery is no longer a unified program of preparation for school, pre-school education system is almost lost, - says school psychologist Natalya Evsikova. - This gap is filled with numerous school early aesthetic development and preparatory classes prestigious schools. " From early learning, based on the comprehensive development of the child, parents involuntarily waiting and early achievements. "But as a result of their persistent (inflated) expectations in children the feeling-Own-governmental exclusivity, a dependence on the success, fear of failure, error - warns psychotherapist Albina Loktionova. - And because in today's society are valued above all to achieve, many parents of schoolchildren continue to apply the same logic. " In the context of continuous (and so far as a result of unpredictable) changes in the school system, they increasingly rely on extra lessons - in circles, with tutors, courses. "The crisis, economic instability only nourish their anxiety, - says Natalya Evsikova. - Both parents are still (at the maximum) is invested in school and extra-curricular activities of their children's true, "." - admits George, the father of two sons, seven and ten years. - I understand that I press on the boys, but it's for their own good. Of course, I feel sorry for the weekend in the wake of their seven-thirty to go to tennis. But all this will pay off. They must understand that without perseverance in life will get you nowhere. "
PHOTO EDOUARD CAUPEIL FOR PSYCHOLOGIES FRANCE
The myth of the perfect child
The pursuit of social success and spurred the attitude of many modern parents to their child as a kind of continuation of the ideal itself. "During pregnancy mother and father dream, make plans for the future of life on the baby, of course, wanting it to be the most beautiful and the most intelligent, - says Albina Loktionova. - Such fantasies also have a positive meaning, helping parents to "turn on" the expected child into their lives, to create a psychological space in the family for him. But then comes the time of the actual care of the child with its real traits and character traits. " "If the parents almost do not see and do not reflect the true wishes and interests of the child, son or daughter goes to an impossible mission" perfect, "- says psychologist Anna parishioners - who should fix it, execute and implement all what they dreamed or that they had failed. Both adults perceive children's successes and failures of both its own (although it is not so!) And going through them particularly painful. " Between the 46-year-old Elena, a teacher of high school, and her 15-year-old son are continuous battles: Fame, a child fascinated by racing cars, he hates his lyceum and does not want to prepare for admission to law. "I explained to him a thousand times, so that he will have more chances to get ahead in life! - outraged Helen. - And he skips lessons. When I was summoned to the school, I just want to die of helplessness and shame! "Family relationships are complicated by the fact that Elena's husband almost does not participate in the upbringing of the child. And because it is still more than I would like to see the son of a strong, independent, perfect.
"How can you get in touch with their inner world, if the whole life passes ACCORDING desires of others?"
Such high rates of success does not remain without consequences. Life at the request of the parents eliminates almost any manifestation of the child's wishes. How to get in touch with their inner world, when all the energy goes to the service request of the other? Children living under such pressure, there is simply no time to think about who they themselves that they love and what they wanted to do. Provide a space of freedom child - it means to give him the opportunity to establish contact with their desires. "Children need a class, which simply give pleasure, are not mandatory, do not require the" correct "implementation, - says Anna parishioners. - The so-called moments of idleness they come into contact with their emotions and that oppresses them. " But too much time may kill this piece of their own, they need to build their identity.
What happens when the child is no longer able to withstand the pressure of the adults? He dropped his hands, he began to feel worthless, a failure in everything, unwittingly come to the conclusion that it "so bad", do not for that love. Or, conversely, if things go well in school, he can become an excellent student ... and inwardly very depressed person. As the decade of Anton, who every night several times check the portfolio and reads lessons to make sure he did not forget. Any mark, except five, upsets him to a nervous breakdown, to bitter tears. In fact, because of them, Anton and his mother honors, and sought help from a psychologist.
What to do with bad grades?
If parents notice that their child is having difficulty learning, school psychologist Natalya Evsikova offers three possible ways out of the situation.
- First of all, it is necessary to build relationships with the school, to cooperate with the teacher - provided that you have common views on learning. Otherwise it is better to look for another school. The phrase "It's all because of bad teachers" can reduce our anxiety, but does not help the child.
- Do not get too emphasize on school grades. It is useless and even harmful for the child. The school should not be his only living center. Try the contrary, weaken the grip to give him the freedom to choose their occupation, in which it can express itself (singing, modeling, games and so on. D.), Without worrying about the achievements and the possibility of failure. This will help to regain self-confidence, which he lacked.
- It is important to remember that the main thing - that the child was well in school, humanly comfortable, interesting, safe, even if his performance is not at the desired height.
... parents or the parents of the pupil?
With so many mothers and fathers become "parent student" the beginning of the school year, unwittingly on-chinaya see their child only student. It is in this truncated perception of his personality has hosted many parent "fad". "I myself was round excellent student, and even went to school in incomplete six years because it was a good read and count to four - says 35-year-old Valentina, geneticist. - The same and I strenuously sought by his daughter Ali. I kept thinking about her marks and not even yet realized that before saying "Hello!" From the door darted questioning her about the lessons. I did not notice that her daughter suffers from the constant pressure. As a result, as explained by psychologist Ali a big problem, she learned to read only the second class. Today, I gradually began to realize that her life she could not, and should not be "written off" with my and that the world will not collapse if it will be an average pupil. "
"I lived somewhere far away from their own lives,"
Home 25-year-old Leonid is a graduate of the Faculty of Economics degree. However, it is seldom we think about it, and often change the place of work. With one purpose: to make money on their hobby - world travel.
"If I had to tell you about my childhood, I probably would have nothing but the lessons and did not remember. All some control, circle math Olympiad ... summer father with a belt and drove a textbook on the program for the year ahead, the mother on the eve of exams swallowed valerian. Life for her was only in my estimation - so, at least, I felt it. Frankly, I do not know how I survived it all. Bye, discos? I had not even thought there was no time, no time for that! And it was not easy at the institute. After defending his diploma, I realized: everything is now broken. I then went to rest on Mount Elbrus, the guys met climbers. You will not believe the first time I realized that this is real life! Parents waited for what I'm going to graduate school ... and I did not go. We then also went to the Altai, climbing Ararat, were on Mount Everest. I do not know what I'll do next. I have a feeling that I need to somehow catch up. I'm just a very long time did not feel alive. "