"I will not allow our love to wallow in the gray everyday life" - something like say an inveterate bachelor, defending himself from the bonds of marriage. "I'm tired of the routine," "I'm so tired of the monotony," "Every day is like a hundred other" - such phrases every day we hear therapists. But men and women today are desperately suffering from everyday life, had once tried with all my heart to her. At the beginning of the novel they dreamed about, to share with a loved one, even the most insignificant everyday activities. We rejoiced together buying groceries at the store, then four hands were preparing dinner, trying to quickly wash the dishes, to finally get together on the couch watching TV and feel very happy. What happened? Why today it seems to them a caricature of family life, the beginning of its end?
We agree everyday life couple unlike the passionate relationship of lovers - probably why many of us are nostalgic for those blessed moments when the common life was still a novelty, and household chores were done with pleasure. "The feeling of monotony arises at a time when the relationship becomes too much compatibility, excessive merging with each other, - says family therapist Ina Khamitov. - When one of the partners is not enough air in the relationship, meet your friends, do not have time any hobby, no matter what, to be alone, he begins to see the routine of life together. " So do not kill love routine and too strong connectedness with another person, focus on it, addicted to it, which makes the relationship in shackles. The first lesson to teach us everyday, reminds us it's time to get rid of the dreams of the merger! Love is not melds two into one person, living in blissful solitude. But there are routine and love itself. Assuming a gradual decline in interest in the partner something inevitable, we get the side benefit: free ourselves from responsibility, quickly forgetting that the quality of our common everyday life depends on us. Recommendations of our experts help you take a fresh look at the consistency of everyday life and, perhaps, learn to enjoy it.
In fact, jewelry for the US is not some exceptional event, but simply the most mundane, seemingly nothing.
Weekdays bring together
Women's magazines are advised for couples at the first sign of boredom to give her a decisive battle: to urgently arrange a weekend in Sochi, or at least to book a table at a restaurant for a romantic dinner by candlelight. You might think that we are able to restore intimacy, just bursting out of familiar surroundings. Such a strategy, of course, attractive, except for one "but": in holidays and restaurants will not spend a lifetime ...
"My husband often goes on business trips, - says 45-year-old Olga - and I feel that the development of relations, we need to spend more time together. We've been married 12 years, and our closeness feed a family tradition: hiking on the market in the morning on Sunday, a joint breakfast, reading the evening - we like to sit side by side, and we do not even need to talk. When the husband is away, I feel lost and miss our rituals. " "An established way of life, family traditions combine a couple, give a sense of stability, - explains Inna Khamitov. - Partners divided between responsibilities at home and get used to this state of affairs. When one of them somewhere to go, someone who is, it is necessary at this time to take on his responsibilities ... It is often in these moments comes a keen awareness of how it is tied to your partner. " Psychotherapist Christophe Faure (Christophe Faure), working with many widows and widowers, confirms: "After surviving the loss, each of them longs above all for the simple little things of life together. Nobody remembers, say, one and only vacation spent in Greece. The loss of a loved one makes us think about how precious were these seemingly mundane trifles. " "You do not need to strive to fill every day of exceptional events, - says psychologist Lyudmila Shaygerova. - It's not in the actions, and in relation to them. Quite a few couples in the joint house cleaning or shopping trip is seen not onerous duties, as an excuse to spend time together. In contrast, in the theater or in the restaurant, we can get bored if our only goal was to escape from everyday life. "
to seek a balance between the two extremes: FORGET ABOUT ME FOR RELATIONS OR GO TO EXTERNAL AFFAIRS TO THE DETRIMENT OF COUPLE.
Weekdays you can select
Ordinariness oppresses us another reason that subtly reminds us of boredom, with which we are faced as a child. "Some situations inexplicably begin to overwhelm us, - says Christophe Faure. - Everyone has their "quagmire" of despondency, so it is important to determine what exactly causes depression, discuss it with your partner and even create a "map" of dangerous marshes, to continue to not get caught up in them. " So, for the 34-year-old Alexei Sunday trip with the kids to the park has always been a torment. "Every week it was the same thing - he recalls. - I came home overstrained, irritable, we quarreled with his wife, who could not understand why the vacation with children brings me into such a state. In fact, the walk reminded me of the endless road trips with his parents in the village when I was allowed except for five minutes to get out of the car to stretch my legs. " When Alex realized what memories awaken in him Sunday trip, he began to drive instead of the park children in the pool, and the family finally returned to peace.
When we share with someone everyday life, then over time we begin to turn on your partner less and less attention, confident in what we know of human heart. Change this attitude is not too difficult - enough to see a loved one for what it is today. He admits that he, like ourselves, never ceased to change. "Perhaps you are not attracted to the idea proposed by the partner of a hike with friends in kayaks, - explains Ludmila Shaygerova. - You do not need to agree, and then dull trudge, cursing. Better to let him go alone, then I am happy to listen to the stories of experienced impressions. " Let us recall how we were curious about this person at the beginning of love, and dare to ask directly: "What do you dream here now?" The answer probably will not be as as before.
In routine days of living together is a special, soothing charm: they give us the opportunity to pass on the energy that can move mountains, to idleness and peace and order create a sense of reliability, security. Due to this we can (without fear) to be themselves, to try something new, to go beyond your limits, to take risks, which may not have gone alone. "Where there are boundaries and each partner refers to the other as an independent and interesting personality because both perceive your house as a shelter, harbor, into which you want to return, - says Inna Khamitov. - But, trying to maintain the other, to please him, it is important to know and defend themselves, their interests in the debate, even if it means going to the conflict. " "Let us remember about the danger to begin to live an exciting life outside the home, and with a partner to share a boring, a must-do - adds Christophe Faure. - In our time, a man and a woman at risk of falling into one of the extremes give relations excess value and give for the sake of their own life, or too much effort to invest in their lives outside of the pair. You must try to balance between the two options. "
In a couple, but apart ...
To extend love, some couples decide to give up living together for occasional joyful meetings: night, entirely dedicated to passion, idyllic weekend alone ...
Initially, relations are maintained through sex, but (with a few exceptions), this lifestyle is practically incompatible with long-term plans and a genuine involvement in each other's lives (it involves reciprocal obligations). "I prefer to live separately, and those who find it difficult to retain their individuality while in a flat with a partner - adds Inna Khamitov. - Fearing a merger with another person, they choose a "guest" marriage and lead a separate household. " Among those who renounce life together, a lot of post-divorce and raising children from a previous marriage. They tend to avoid conflict and prefer to raise their own children, protecting the relationships in a couple of differences. "I often see, - says Christophe Faure - as unsuccessful attempts to establish relations with difficult teenagers literally destroy the relationship in a pair. In this case, an adult is wiser to wait until the children leave the parental nest, and only then settle down together. Such pairs, avoiding routine, save the relationship of the gap. "
Have a question?
- Institute of Psychotherapy and Counseling "Harmony", tel .: (812) 371 8220, 708 5597, www.inharmony.ru
- The center of narrative psychology and practice, tel .: (916) 730 1865, www.narrative.ru
- Psychological Counseling Center "Trialogue", tel .: (495) 505 2333, www.trialog.ru
- Society family counselors and psychotherapists, tel .: (495) 517 7524, www.supporter.ru