Closer ... in a new way
"We have learned about each other, almost all of the five years of marriage. Between us there was absolute trust, we have learned to calmly and carefully listen to each other ... but the desire was gone. " 44-year-old Nina - a lover of books on personal growth and frequenter of psychological trainings - tells the story of how the power of attraction in her marriage. As with many pairs of hormone burst of passion followed by a period of alienation and conflicts, when so great a temptation to give up on the relationship hand: "I do not get along!" For those who passed the test, a new stage: the partners will keep the love and faithfulness and to intimacy, trust, unconditional acceptance of each other to extinguish sexual desire. Make it easy - especially because our desire is by nature controversial. According to family therapist Anna Varga, the point difference between the laws of love and desire. "Love exists where there is a sense of security, which is familiar to all. Desire also requires surprise, surprise, uncertainty. Love requires intimacy, eroticism requires distance. Love is growing from mutual understanding and appreciation, and the element of desire - unpredictability. To awaken him, the partner should something be another stranger. " When your partner gets too close, too predictable, its erotic aura dissipated, and the relationship of lovers transformed into mass, or parent. "Many couples admit that they dream of returning the intensity of emotions that they experienced after they met, - says Anna Varga. - They nostalgically recall the golden pore, which lasted a little longer! But this is natural: the intensity, the passion that was in the beginning, can not be sustained for long. This is how the law of "the duration of power": if very much it is short. "
Colleagues and associates
Does this mean that in order to save the relationship will have to accept the inevitable and accept as a fact of extinction of the fire of our desires? "Not at all, - objected Anna Varga. - There is, for example, a few clear rules that help preserve it. Not too close, to maintain personal space, but does not require, and from a partner of absolute openness. Do not wait to have sex meet all of their fantasies - excessive expectations reduce appetite. If a family has children, spouses should try to go once a week for a day out of the house alone, so as not to fall into detotsentrizm ". Another important point: the modern marriage partners perform a variety of roles. Everyone is trying to be another relative, a friend, a father or a mother, a lover. "The attraction is difficult to survive in such conditions, - the therapist explains. - One way to regain the desire - to give up for a while from the other roles, there is only a lover or a mistress. "
Have a question?
- Center of modern psychoanalysis, t. (919) 767 1165.
- Consultation of the Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis, t. (495) 682 1114, www.psychol.ru
- Federal Scientific and Methodological Center of Medical Sexology, t. (495) 963 1290.
To drive did not disappear, it is necessary at the same time listen to the partner and to yourself and save a desire ... to be desired. However, you should not have any illusions: it will not work if there is no trust, sexual understanding, shared vision, humor. Without them, any erotic recipes powerless. Due to family therapy 51-year-old Lydia and Alexander realized that their proximity poisoned unspoken reproaches. "Sasha twice the proposed increase, but he refused, - says Lydia. - And this time I finished courses of landscape designers and the main job has moved to part-time. We are barely making ends meet and were angry at each other. Needless to say that our sex life has stopped. But after a while we were able to talk about their feelings and together began to think about what to do next. Trust arose again, with time and a desire to come back. "
The power of touch
Taoists believe that to achieve sexual harmony is possible by touch: it's not just physical contact, and the process of exchange of energy that awakens the desire in a partner.
Energetic and sensual touch should be light as a feather and slide on the surface of the body of the partner, stimulating nerve endings and attracting energy - this teaches the ancient Taoist tradition *. In order to "wake up" a woman using a touch, a man must remember that a woman's body sexual energy moves to the genitals of the limbs, head and heart. Therefore, it should start with the hands and feet and slowly moving his hands and feet to the torso. Then go to the head of a woman and her torso descend down to the genitals. According to the Taoist metaphor of yin energy is like water: it comes down the hills and valleys of the female body in the lowest point - the vagina. To arouse sexual desire of man, it must be remembered that he had sexual energy comes into the penis and spreads throughout the body. Therefore, a woman should start with the penis, but only with a light touch, not with the intense stimulation. Then she can direct sexual energy of a man of his genital organs of the limbs, and then through the body to the head. The outflow of energy from the penis will enable him to better control his arousal and orgasm the entire body. When sexual energy is distributed throughout the body and reaches the heart, then he begins to perceive the love of a woman.
* Mantak Chia, Douglas Abrams, Rachel Abrams "Secrets of love for two". Sofia 2008.
It is not necessary to hope that the desire to return, if we are not willing to talk with your partner about your feelings, share them with emotions and impressions - intellectual, aesthetic or sensual. Discuss, argue, or simply knowing exchange glances ... "If a partner few general impressions, and entertainment interests of their sex life is mechanical and monotonous - sure Anna Varga. - At the beginning of the relationship the energy of our desire to feed opening. Discovering new facets of the personality of the partner and the discoveries that we make with him. Over time, the partner becomes less mysterious, but the field of discovery that you can do together, is boundless. " The couple must have experience of living together a wide variety of circumstances and situations. They should talk about themselves, not allowing, however, full nudity. And of course, the couple should be favorable overall picture of the future - the near and far. "The idea that we're going to rest or to arrange a dacha, or buy a new car at the end of the month finally gather friends at home, nourishes and gives value to the relationship," - says the therapist. Sixteen years together, two children. The life of 45-year-old Alla, and 46-year-old Victor again was filled with passion and mutual attraction, when they decided to move to the shore of the Azov Sea. "Since then, a year has passed. We still continue to live in Samara. But when we started to make plans together, we had to discuss all your fears and doubts, the original desire. It brought us closer together in earnest. Once again we are dealing - a lot of interesting: the jokes that are understandable only to the two of us, discussions, debates. Communication has become a lively and laid-back ... And sex too! "
Far and close
The goal is not to go back for a long time LOVE, BUT THAT THE ANEW fell in love with a man with whom live.
Refresh the desire not to give it to fade away helps clear idea of what we are giving to the partner (attention, respect, sexual interest), and that would get in return. After all, in fact, the goal is not to return the old love and to a new fall in love with the person with whom we are not the first year of living together. The routine does not have authority over us, until we look at life as a journey. Every morning coming out of the house to a new day, a sailor goes to sea, and in the evening returned home with their catch. If we understand how important it is (and should be) the distance that separates us, we are better able to evaluate the wonderful moments of intimacy. Without intimacy no tenderness and no distance is no novelty.
When we look at the nearest person changes in the relationship begins a new stage. Sometimes it makes us wake up someone else's interested gaze on the partner, and sometimes we do it at will. "This is a crucial change of roles, format or communication design, and it is not necessary to spare no effort and time", - Mrs. Anna Varga. When we again begin to be interested in a partner, ask him questions about his tastes, plans and desires, and in return share their own, secret, we bring to the relationship is something new. Thus, the 43-year-old Nina joke began to contact her husband, 45-year-old Dmitri, "you" as when we first met. And in their relationship arose something exciting, new game. Sometimes you need so little to be surprised again to each other.
Save a desire: the five priorities of
"Good to know yourself and your partner, share emotions, ideas and fantasies, to respect the dissimilarity of the two - all this will help to awaken a desire" - says family therapist Anna Varga. Read a couple living being
No matter how many years we have not lived together, the partner becomes our indispensable treasure, and relationships do not remain unchanged. When we stop to revise their opinions and views, when habits are taking the upper hand over us, in a relationship settles boredom and a desire to sleep. Moving forward - it is always ups and downs, and sometimes crises. Still, in the pair, as well as in the universe, the movement - a synonym for development and life itself.
"I do not, he (she did not)." "I have a different history, a different life experience" ... If we regularly remind ourselves of these simple truths, they will save us from the poisonous projections and accusations, and in addition will not fade away if desired. Indeed, in the loved one we are most attracted to something that is not enough for ourselves.
Do not be afraid to talk about himself - to express in an open conversation expectations, difficulties, doubts ... easy communication not only brings, but also dispels misunderstandings, resentment and the reasons for the conflict.
To build joint plans
they may be any Scale. The main thing is that everyone feels when they are performing their importance and independence.
to establish contact
Bodily intimacy in all its various guises - tenderness, sensuality, sex - the basis for intimacy in a relationship. It has its own ebb and flow, then we are moving away from each other, the approach again. And always physical contact helps to keep a close and trusting relationship, which does not extinguish the fire of desire.