Survive a rebellious teenager
Faith, to re-establish a relationship with his son Michael, needed to understand many things - not only about him but about myself.
"Sonia is 15 years old when she began to lie to me, - says 45-year-old Elena. - It was closed in her room for hours on the phone with her friends. I just do not know what to do. The daughter did not answer my questions, and anything else I did not tell. I felt very helpless: all the time, this marks the terrible pictures of what is sure to happen to her. And it is no longer sleep. " Elena has repeatedly tried to talk to her husband, but he did not take seriously what is happening. Waved from her: "Stop acting like a mother hen!" "He said that we should give her daughter more freedom to trust her - continues Elena - otherwise she will never learn to be responsible for their actions. I felt that he just does not understand me. " Elena a year later decided to go to a psychologist. The slightest tension in the relationship with the child most of the mothers perceived sharper than fathers. "This is due to the fact that a woman bears a child and he, even as adults, can stay for her closest person", - explains the Jungian analyst Anna Skavitina. But when a woman feels a lack of understanding of her husband, she finds it difficult to share their experiences with other loved ones - family, friends. She hesitates to how a child behaves, ashamed of his helplessness, fear of condemnation and misunderstanding, and she tries to cope with his guilt. And the result is completely devastated. Nevertheless, natural disasters, which sometimes becomes adolescence, it is possible to survive without severe losses.
The participation of the father
Many mothers of teenagers, regardless of whether they are married or not, feel lonely. "It happens that fathers are afraid of uncontrolled behavior of the child, the strength of his emotions, which they inevitably encounter when children grow - explains Anna Skavitina. - In order to cope with their own fears, they often leave the problems cease to notice them, displace. Therefore, it is important that a woman helped her husband to join the new family situation. " "Sometimes the mother literally feel with the baby one being, - says child psychologist Marina Bebik. - In order to preserve this important closeness to her, she (often unconsciously) becomes between a child and his father. " Even if a family has developed a way of life, during adolescence children parents should (finally) to decide to change it. Not least because that teenagers need it. After all the nonsense they often commit only to unite parents. "Men are better than women to see in the child a separate identity - says Anna Skavitina. - They are ready to give their children more independence and autonomy, which so require teens. This position of the father helps the mother to give up the fantasy of his omnipotence. " It is much more difficult for mothers who raise children alone. "In this case, the father's role symbolically and can go to a family friend, an older relative, a psychologist, a teacher - says psychotherapist Yuri Frolov. - Communicating with someone of these men will help a teenager overcome this painful time, and allow the mother a little step back from the situation and look at it with new eyes. " This is useful in order to find a solution to a problem or just take it easy, cool passions.
Have a question?
Sensitively listen to
We do not always perceive the "message" that we send our loved ones - and yet their interpretation would help us to better understand them! "For example, when he heard the words of his grandfather" Granddaughter something walks like a let down into the water ", it is necessary to look at the girl closely," - continues to Marina Bebik. Our experts advise: pay attention to changes in speech and conduct of a teenager. In his frustration and exclamations ( "All I'm bored!", "I'm just a dumb!"), Poor grades, loss of appetite or anxiety (if not taking drugs? Is not depression began?). Some parents help in time to notice such changes notebook in which they record their observations, doubts, fears. "Keeping this diary does not mean that parents are spying on your child - says Marina Bebik. - But thanks to him, they learn to be attentive to detail, which helps them to notice the difference between demonstrative behavior and SOS signal. " Dye your hair blue - a demonstrative act. But if the teen shaved his head and painted her characters - this may be a cry for help ... Demonstrative actions help children to assert themselves, to grope their borders. But a cry for help - an attempt teenager to attract the attention of others, to tell them how it is bad, and to somehow cope with their suffering. "
Release the child
"When a child is 9-10 years old, the mother should think about what they have developed relationships - Yuri Frolov said. - If the connection between them is too strong (similar to a merger), in the future it can turn problems. 13-15 years, and sometimes earlier, all teenagers feel the need to separate from their parents (especially mothers), to build a new relationship with adults, become more self-reliant people. And the stronger the emotional intimacy with his mother, the harder it is for them to be separated. " In particularly difficult cases, this gap brings so much pain that it is expressed in a variety of symptoms: anorexia, different types of dependencies (drugs, alcohol), risky behavior, dangerous for a teenager and his entourage ... "It is better to advance, without waiting for a storm to ask yourself: not too much I expect from your child? - agrees Marina Bebik. - Do I use it to fill your emotional life? "
Vera, 43 years old, mother of Michael, 23 years old, "the confidence came back to me,"
"Mike grew up cheerful, open, very lively child. He composed music, painted with pleasure, doing great tennis and swimming. He always had a lot of friends. And he grew very independent - for my husband it was important that he felt free. His adolescence coincided with our divorce: husband drank heavily, and our relations have deteriorated ... Maybe that's why I missed some important moment, when she was still able to keep the trust between me and the grown-up son. He felt that his father had for me in the first place - I really wanted to keep the family together. Son began to attract our attention as he could - with their antics. He ran away from home, stopped studying went to Peter alone, on trains, in schools, in 12 years - we've been looking for. When my husband and I still had left, Michael began to steal money from me, I lied to constantly, and at some point began to use soft drugs. I felt like I was losing my mind: I did not have the strength to break the cycle of theft, "grass", rudeness and closed. I was in a panic - rather than to understand the reasons for his behavior and try to negotiate with him, to understand the situation, all the time I yelled at him and around restricted his freedom - the same one to which accustomed earlier. But he lied and escaped from me. Did not help, and a meeting with a psychologist. I was just in despair, and at the same time, I destroyed the sense of guilt. Once, when I read some political book, I came up with a simple idea: to look at the situation from the outside. All the anger I concentrated on her son and ex-husband. And currently I just did not occur to think - is it really so perfect I conduct myself? I was really shocked when I realized that I - a dictator, who is also the son and requires complete submission and autonomy in decision-making. At this point, a friend invited me to go with her son to the monastery in the north of Russia. We were not believers, but went. Suddenly, his son liked it there, he became friends with novices ... and we have stayed there, I worked, it, too, and studied as an external student. In Moscow, we returned three years later. Son went to college, but he did not like. He mastered the profession of chef, and he was invited to work in a respectable restaurant. Last year, I became very ill and was in hospital for a long time. I had the time to think about what happened between us. I realized that all these years she could not accept the fact that my son - not my property, but a separate person with his views, thoughts, feelings. Gradually I came to the understanding that I have to let him go, give him a real freedom - freedom of choice. It was given me a hard time - and take his son and himself. But I regained confidence. And it gives me strength to go on living. " Recorded Natalia Kim
"On the side of the teenager" Françoise Dolto
Deep delicate French psychoanalyst book about the inner world of adolescents and adulthood (Rama Publishing, 2010).
"Your troubled teenager" Robert Bayard, Jean Bayard
Best book for desperate parents. Its authors, family therapists and parents of five children, talk about how changing relations among themselves, adults can build relationships with teenagers. Live, sincere book, which should be trusted (academic project, the Foundation "World", 2011).
Any violence in adolescents - a sign of deep emotional distress. "The family violence do not happen for no reason!" - experts stress. If a teenager is rude, rude, or resorts to arms, so he is convinced that he is a victim of violence - in reality or in his own imagination. "Perhaps parents just did not give the child enough space so that he could feel their autonomy, and the teenager rebels against such limitations, perceiving them as an invasion of its territory, - says psychotherapist Pommer Xavier (Xavier Pommereau). - His aggression - this is definitely a response. " What if a teenager begins to scream, beat his fist on the wall, to throw things on the floor? How to respond to help him relieve tension and avoid the dangers? According to Xavier Pommer, "during an argument do not approach him or her closer than arm's length. It is better to stay at a distance of two meters: so you show the teenager that you respect his personal territory. If this conflict go abroad, he may inadvertently take it as a manifestation of aggression and react accordingly. "
Another tip: tense conversation is better not to keep in the kitchen, where, under the hand may be boiling water or cooking tools. To defuse the situation, use body language. "When we argue, we reflexively rise from their seats, straighten to his full height, - said Xavier Pommer. - During the aggressive stage parents better, on the contrary, the first to be seated. This action will be a proposal for a truce, calm down signal - because when we sit, we can not fight. " What to do just not worth it? See teenager during an argument in the eye and ask him the same. "Looking directly perceived as aggression. That is why many teenagers are hidden behind a hood covering the face hair strands. They do not want to be "seen through". If you feel offended, just look away to the side. Do not interfere with the teenager to leave the room to calm down. You can continue the conversation for another time. " 'Do not blame, if you want to clarify something, ask clear questions, - says Marina Bebik. - Be honest and open. " But if the teenager will still express their aggression in action - try to push or grab the hand, it is necessary to act. "We need to clearly and firmly explain to him that he has gone beyond what is permitted and you do not suffer, - the Council, Yuri Frolov. - Discuss it with him later when he calms down. " In such cases it is necessary as soon as possible to see a specialist (psychotherapist, psychologist), that violence does not become habitual language of communication in the family.
Decide on consultation
Many mothers long to ask for help, trying to convince himself: the situation is difficult, but not hopeless. "It is time to turn to a psychologist if you feel you can not cope with the situation that the adolescent problems in your life too much space and you do not know what to do - says Anna Skavitina. - It is possible to find someone who can really help you need to meet with several specialists. " We should not rush: what might seem a failure, a step back, in fact, an important element in the process of therapy. And you should always remember that children - not malleable clay in our hands, as fully as human beings, independent people who are destined to build a life separate from us.