Whether we know our parents?
The main ideas of
- Be part of the family. Knowledge of the life history of our parents give us a sense of belonging to the genus. And clarify the relationship of its members.
- to recognize their parents. Knowing what was their life, we begin to better understand their relationship to ourselves.
- recognize themselves. Asking older, we are progressing in the realization of who we are ourselves.
"How many can remember, my mother just dopekayut me with his care, - says 22-year-old Lada. - I have a lot, it became clear only when we have a conversation with her about her childhood. My parents sent my mother to the orphanage, she was barely seven years old, and took home only for holidays. As an adult, she tried to give me all the love, which is so very needed when I was little. " The history of our life is largely determined by the circumstances of life for our parents. And it's better to know it in detail: this allows us to get an explanation of many events, find their place in the "family history", to find a sense of belonging to the family, and therefore feel safe.
By learning the details of the past, we begin to see more clearly why our parents have become such as it is, and what guided by taking certain decisions. Including - and touches us. "The realization that the mother and father were once kids and they have a family, too, could be a problem, do we look at their personality more voluminous", - says the therapist Ekaterina Mihailova.
34-year-old Sergei tells how as a teenager he became friendly with his father because of an unexpected conflict. "I was 13 years old, I took a great interest in history, especially the period of the Great Patriotic War. On the cover of a school notebook, I wrote: "For the Motherland! For Stalin! "When he saw his father, he grabbed a notebook and, without saying a word, tore. I was terribly outraged, offended. I knew his father, my grandfather, fought - was in the camp, and decided that his father was angry because of this. I even wanted to go home, but my mother stopped me. She told me that my grandfather was convicted in 1936, he found a handwritten the letter of Lenin that Stalin should not be allowed to power. For this, he spent ten years in Kolyma. A month later, on 29 October, together with the parents, I came to Lubyanka Square, where people are going to say the names of those who had been shot in the 1930s. I felt much closer to his father than ever before. "
It happens that the interest in the life of the parents there when they are no longer alive. And if they had left personal letters and diaries, the question arises whether to read them. "Read everything, or almost everything, - shares his observations Ekaterina Mihailova. - But the one who strongly opposed, there are different ways to avoid it (eg, to get rid of personal papers). If a person during his lifetime did not, his children have the right to interpret this sign in their own way. But when someone emphatically says that for anything in the world would not read letters to his late mother that he had them, for example, simply burn it, I asked him, what are you afraid to know it? Whatever decision was made, it is important to ask yourself why I act this way, "Introduction to the parent letters or diaries can be really traumatic?. "There is a risk to see a different father or mother of the other, - adds Ekaterina Mihailova. - But the temptation to get to know them other large. After all, we understand that only know a part of their personality that they had attachments, hobbies, occupations, family relationship, about which we can not guess. And we aim to finish a complete image of these people. " As a result, we see them more versatile and thus expanding our understanding of ourselves and the world.
Getting acquainted with the details of their parents' lives, we begin to understand that they are not only our mother and father that their mission is not limited to only the fact that they gave us life. "If they do not become parents or not even met each other, it would be the same people, although with a different experience - continues Ekaterina Mihailova. - The interest in their past and to their childhood gives us the opportunity to get acquainted with his parents again, to know them as individuals. This is also necessary in order to attain inner independence, to realize that we are not only a son or daughter, that our personalities, there are other facets. " This knowledge allows us to take a fresh look, and their behavior in the past, and to situations that are repeated in our lives so far. Nikolai 39 years. As a child he suffered from the beating his father. Like many people with severe childhood, he was very much afraid that with his children he could not behave differently. "For many years I avoided his father. But then we have met - at the funeral of his grandfather. I just did not recognize his father. As a child, he caused me unspeakable horror, and now - just a pity. He could not help weeping, but it was not grief. His father's death was to get rid of him. Only after the funeral, he told me how his grandfather tortured as a child. I do not excuse his father, but now that I know about his past, at least I knew he beat me because I could not do otherwise. This conversation with his father occurred shortly before my daughter was born. I was relieved. And I finally decided to consult a therapist. "
Remove silence load
Even when family secrets carefully concealed, our unconscious sends a signal: is what they want from us to conceal. This signal can be a vague anxiety (that something is happening, but I do not understand that), or low self-esteem (I feel unworthy to know what others know) ... Family Secrets often "inherited", changing the lives of several generations. "If there is any doubt, they should discuss with their parents - Ekaterina Mihailova said. - Do not blame, do not instilling guilt: maybe they too were victims of family secrets. " And do not forget that people tend to hide not only a source of shame. Sometimes the secret protects us. "I am my mother's child is late, - says 43-year-old Elena. - She was not married, and I saw his father only a few times as a child. When my son was born, I wanted to tell his father that he became a grandfather, and I asked my mother his phone - and she said that her father had recently died! I was very upset: she did not even consider it necessary to inform me about it. Mom explained that during pregnancy she did not want to disturb me. But the bitterness remains. Only 10 years later, after her mother's death, I learned from a distant relative: it turns out, my father committed suicide. That's why my mother was silent. I knew it. But now I do not know what to tell her son about his grandfather ... " We can not always be solved, as we ourselves would do in place of their parents. Therefore, it is important to try to understand them - and perhaps to forgive.
To have time to talk to
Some situations especially in a confidential conversation. By openness can encourage emotional events - when someone is born, dies, marries. Women often turn to the mother during her pregnancy: they want to learn the details of their own birth. But such conversations are not necessarily wait for a special occasion. "Most conversations about life happen, they say, just like that - Ekaterina Mihailova said. - "Tell me about the time, tell me about yourself. What you were, what was the grandfather? What you then glad that upset? What are you afraid of, dreamed about? "In order to talk to your parents," the perfect moment "simply does not exist. But the conversation should not be delayed indefinitely. Ignoring important questions that disturb us, we are complicating your life. we must not forget the fact that our parents are mortal and can leave us alone with our questions. "
Elicit without charge
To find their place in the chain of generations, it is important to figure out what is ignored. Many topics remain closed, causing a vague anxiety and guilt (about adoption, about the biological father or mother of the children from his first marriage, a long time ago, divorce, death, illness). We need to know what concerns us personally: the conditions under which we were born, our first steps, the first years of life. Features a child who we were, to help better understand the adult, which we have now. Psychologist Alexander Suchkov advises parents to ask about how they grew up, their relationship with their own parents, brothers and sisters, as well as the choice of a career path - that they found themselves, or that they were forced to choose. "One question leads to another, and the answers do not always satisfy us," - warns psychologist. Moreover, we can begin to doubt their veracity. "Sometimes we feel that parents conceal or distort some important points of his biography - adds Ekaterina Mihailova. - And one is tempted to stand up to the investigator's position. It is not necessary to go on about this desire and to ensure that we were told "the whole truth": a strict requirement would not improve either their health or our relationship. And the chance to know the truth in this way are slim. Much safer in this case, working with a professional psychologist: no "to question witnesses in the case," and bear in mind what they said before. It's not their problem - it is we have a concern, and it is necessary to find out what it was. With the help of psychotherapy can find answers to many questions. " The story of 35-year-old Nina confirms the words of the therapist: "I had a secure childhood, and I always thought that I got so much parental love, how much you need. But not more than that. Mom and Dad have always been very attentive to my school success, I predicted a great future. And I grew up ... and for many years could not hold on any work. Now I understood why - I unconsciously wanted to separate from their parents and this was trying to get out of the way, they told me that "appointed". All this I discovered during psychotherapy. But parents, I did not ask - they simply would not understand me. "
In pursuit of the facts, which could explain the reason for our failure and suffering, we risk to become a ruthless inquisitors.
According to the analyst Gerard Desherfa (Gerard Decherf), the desire to learn about parents 'all' means that we "abide in the fantasy of eternal merger, the continuation of our childhood, when we feel complete unity with the mother. Insisting on questioning, we maintain the illusion that there are still young. "
"Dad, Mom, you love me?"
"What question would you like to ask your parents?" - we asked our readers. And while each of the respondents put it in his own way, in the heart of all questions was love - one that parents gave each other and their child ... or that which they and their children did not have enough.
I was born when my mother was 20 years old. With my father, they broke up during her mother's pregnancy. And I want to know: I - a welcome child or it just happened? I have no doubt that my mother loves me, but if she wanted a child at such a young age? Maxim, 20 years,
Dad, Mom, are you happy with? Next to you, I again feel a little helpless girl ... Oksana, 28 years,
Why do not you give me the most to choose how to live? Why do you want to control everything, even my wedding date? Annet-L, '21 Mom, why are you so badly I was treated as a child? Do you know that I live in constant fear? zapytannaya, '24
Dad, have you ever wanted to meet with me? You told me to your children? Irina, 46 years,
Mom, why do you always go away from the conversation? What I done to deserve such an attitude? lisovich, 17 years
Dad, no matter what, you're the best. I love you, I respect your words, your life. We can once again become close friends? Do you love me? daxazazazu, '23
separate the truth from fiction
Experts caution even one error: not to be confused with the real person of his fantasy about it. No matter how many years we, in the relationship with the parents, we remain children, and the feelings that we experience them, preventing us to be objective. It seems that even today they are the same as they were many years ago, we lose sight of the fact that they have changed. "Parents, as they are today, can no longer answer our many questions - like Ekaterina Mihailova. - Probably, at our current problems really affected the identity of the mother or the father - such as it was twenty-five or thirty years ago. And work in this case it is not necessary with real people, and with their images, with those of their voices are heard within us. Working with a family history, we conclude an agreement with the members of the group: for a minimum of two days is not to discuss the subject with their household. Man must ask ourselves: "What worries me? Why this, why now? "- and himself to answer these questions without involving conflict of a family."
Most often we do not know our real parents, and the images that are imprinted in our inner world. Parental image with which we live, it never fully corresponds to reality. So should we throw all the forces on it to distinguish truth from fiction, reality from fantasy, to finally learn the true history of our parents? No, the answer psychotherapists. Know all completely unnecessary. Children and parents, as opposed to friends, take in relation to each other certain, permanent place and not have to change it. So, if we take up questions about the sexual life of our parents, it is better to humble their curiosity. In this case, the answers are only able to create a confusion of roles and generations that does not reassure us, and knocks out of the rut. Therefore, before embarking on inquiries, should think carefully about exactly what we want to know and why we need it. "It is also important to take into account - continues Ekaterina Mikhailova - that by asking a" interrogators "question (for example, asking only about the mother why she and my father divorced), we narrow her life to one situation, to one problem (and this time is our problem, not hers!). And in her life, except for a divorce with his father, since still a lot going on. And if we do not want to know about it, according to her it would not be fair. " Dialogue between two adults can take place only if they are genuine interest to each other. Our parents easier and more willing to talk about themselves, if they do not feel the target of accusations. And for those whose parents stubbornly refuse to share their secrets, Alexander Suchkov recalls: "To get the answer, not necessarily to ask questions - often just enough to start talking about yourself."