I am learning to understand his family

I am learning to understand his family

We lived with my husband for 26 years. Our son is 19, daughter 25 years, and her granddaughter - six. And all these years I am concerned the absence of mutual understanding with my children. Even very young they acted in accordance with their ideas of what is right and what is not. Their guidance system does not coincide with my own. Now the children are grown, and it became even harder. Son said he never wanted to study to be an economist, left the university and two years mastering guitar playing. And then I threw this occupation. For now, just lying on the couch - looking for his path in life. A daughter is building a career, living with us, she had a baby and "hung up" on him my husband. It is absolutely certain that we should be grateful for such trust ... It seems to me that the past 25 years, I do not live the life that I wanted. Pets manipulated me, and I in turn do not bring them joy, only one fatigue and irritation. All of us - family and loved ones - are always "out of phase". Looking forward to see why this happens, restore mutual understanding between different generations of our family and find a way out of my personal crisis, I met with a therapist Albina Loktionova.

Family System

"Our family history affects us more than we think, - says Albina Loktionova. - Each of us - a part of the family system (relations with parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts, grandparents, husbands and wives), and when it is broken (for example, relatives of "forget" about someone in the family or longer communicate with him), then disrupted and the balance in the relationship. And this failure is repeated involuntarily next generation. " The therapist suggests to me using the method of family constellations to identify those "forgotten" episodes of family history that interfere with my family to live life fully. After listening to me, Albina Loktionova summarizes: "In your family love the orders violated. The procedure is a hierarchy, subordination. In this hierarchy, for example, parents are always located above the children, because they have created a family. Your family rule of the parent is not present, the role of confused. Let's make a balance, to make sense of this "tangle" and understand how to get back to the natural hierarchy of relations. "

BALANCE SHOWS STORE relationships within the family, the invisible is made visible and allows you to find a solution.

Typically Call psychotherapy - it is teamwork. One of the participants said about their situation that worries him most (later will come the turn of the other members to do their placement). He then selects from the presence of those who are under the care will become a deputy of real people in his life. He calls their names and "roles" (my son, my mother, a school friend ...). And he puts them in a room where there is a psychotherapeutic session. The leading group closely watches how close to each other will be the participants of arrangement, which directed their eyes - whether they're looking in the same direction or in some other way. "The alignment of wonderfully reflects and shows the order that exists in families, and they weave, which it contains, - says Albina Loktionova. - In other words, it makes the invisible visible and allows you to quickly find the desired image of the solution. " Because of my desire to pass family constellations was spontaneous and swift, and the group started to work only after the actual holiday of the month - August we worked together with the therapist. A deputy members of my family began to spread out on the floor with pieces of paper inscribed on them figures, symbols - who is who. This work has become an invaluable experience - painful and healing at the same time, when I had to go in the skin of his household, and let through their feelings and understand the hidden motives.

family therapy

"Perhaps the guilt for the mistake, which people do not remember, is passed from generation to generation for centuries", - wrote about it for the first time in 1913, Sigmund Freud *. Three years later, Carl Gustav Jung, founder of analytical psychology, has suggested that there is a collective unconscious, including family **. Subsequently unconscious developments, many psychologists and psychoanalysts interested in the family. Thus, under the influence of the therapist Murray Bowen (Murray Bowen) there is a systemic family therapy to help identify and change the role of each family member. Family therapist Virginia Satir (Virginia Satir) has developed a method of family reconstruction, restoring communication and interaction between parts in several generations of the family. Ann Anselin Schutzenberger (Anne Ancelin Schutzenberger) established the method for inter-generational psihogenealogii. She managed to trace a connection between the events of the past and the present difficulties in a person's life. Exploring "genosotsiogrammu", is a kind of family tree, the therapist unravels the tangles of kinship, helping the patient to get rid of the family "legacy" and be yourself. A similar approach - family constellations therapy - a psychotherapist Bert Hellinger (Bert Hellinger). He offered to play a family history of the sessions of group therapy in order to discover the source of the problem and to interrupt negative recurring scenarios. * Freud "Totem and Taboo" (ACT, 2009).

** See. K.-H. Jung "Essays on the psychology of the unconscious" (Cogito-Center, 2010).

I do a balance of

I draw geometric figures personifying me, my husband, daughter and son. Square, rectangle, circle, oval, and on each tick indicates the direction of gaze. Fold-out sheets on the floor. "Look - indicates Albina Loktionova the balance that I got - you, your husband and daughter are too close. You closely, you like push, interfering with each other. A son is separate from you and will turn his back on you. One gets the impression that he feared closer to his family, as if it was too hot in your close circle, or has it simply has no place. Or maybe the system itself, your family, ruled it, "I'm completely bewildered - as evidenced by the therapist? And she continues: "Perhaps in your family history used to be someone who is now unjustly forgotten, and your son is unconsciously identifies himself with this man?" Still not understanding what he meant psychotherapist, I begin to remember and talk about three episodes, which are trying to forget in our family. My grandfather (my father's grandfather), dekulakized during collectivization, and ended his days in exile in Siberia. About him never told even his daughter (my grandmother), and that after 50 years it was thought that this family page can be fatal to the career of her children and grandchildren. The second episode is connected with my mother's parents. They really wanted to, but did not dare to have a second child in a difficult time - the end of the thirties and beginning of the war. Finally, I know that my mother fell ill, was forced to have an abortion in a year or two after I was born. It turned out that my family from generation to generation carries information about the unborn second child and unjustly forgotten ancestors. "In my mind, these events never contacted each other", - I confess therapist. "Not only you, but your son is unconsciously perceived dynamics system weaves in a sense, is now unconsciously compensate guilt before the unborn second child in a family of your relatives or" forgotten "great-grandfather. The distance at which your son is in relation to other family members - her we saw clearly during a family placement - only confirms the fact: in your family for the second child there is no place, no waste generation model of communication, relationship with him. " "But he tenderly and lovingly cares for her niece who at birth grow up without a father" - I strongly defend the ability of his son to the family feeling. "So it should be - is responsible Albina Loktionova - because his niece in a sense - an unexpected child. He unconsciously "rehabilitate" its birth, it gives her a chance to live. "


"Ancestors syndrome" Ann Anselin Schutzenberger

In his most famous book, the French therapist gives an idea of ​​its public events, as "anniversary syndrome" and "transfer trauma". Not knowing them, we often become hostages to the history of their ancestors, their secrets, problems and bad traditions (Psychotherapy, 2009).

"The happiness that remains. Where we are family constellations "Bert Hellinger

German psychotherapist confident that our movement through life - a movement of love of parents to each other, parents and children, brothers and sisters. Interrupted movement of love becomes a source of problems, which helps to overcome the method of family constellations. On it he writes in his new book (consulting and system solutions Institute, 2010).

I'm a big, and you - the little

And what about my daughter? She is actively making a career and does not want to get married, create a family of his own. A daughter include in their plans, only when it wants to visit and boasts a smart, beautiful and happy child. "The real education of the granddaughter engaged grandmother and grandfather, that is, I and my husband. A daughter only controls us "- I ask the new theme for placing development.

The therapist offers me stand on a chair, leaving a piece of paper with the daughter of a symbol on the floor and imagine my mom - somewhere above me, high up on the ceiling level. This exercise helps to feel their own place in the family system, where all the older generation is positioned above the next. "Imagine that I am your daughter, - continues Albina Loktionova. - Walk down from the chair, walk up to me and say firmly: "Lena, I - big, and you - a little. You're my daughter, and I'm your mother. You can not command me, and I shall not obey ... "

I obediently repeated the words, but clearly understand that my real daughter of such a conversation is hardly possible. "Your daughter used to dominate, - says Albina Loktionova - and to restore the correct family hierarchy, without which the harmonious relationship in the family, it is necessary to return both the vertical and horizontal: to establish contact with her daughter. Sit down next to each other, talk about their feelings, and maybe, just shut up ... From this tacit sympathy often restored the once-lost intimacy with relatives. The boundaries that you have time to spend with each other and daughter should not become a "Great Wall of China." On the contrary, the exact distance will really feel the closeness and communion with each other. " But then my anxiety about her son and daughter agree on one point - the second child! After all, a daughter, a beautiful young woman, probably will get married and want to have a second child. And he will carry negative information about the unborn second child in a few generations of our family. "Suddenly he, too, will become a stranger among relatives?" - I share my fears with Albina Loktionova. "This role is in your family has" performed "your son - she explains. - But now, realizing the situation, you can change it. The problem finally solved when relatives took the correct place in the family hierarchy, and are willing to take responsibility for their actions. You can not be afraid of the past return, "From this moment on.

Even from a tacit sympathy EACH OTHER ONCE can restore the lost connection between the native people.

Release history

Just two hours of family constellations, I discovered the hidden motives which determined many years, the relationship among my relatives. "The founder of the method of family constellations Bert Hellinger says that makes us free acceptance of the past, - concludes the meeting Albina Loktionova. - But the real decision means and the adoption of all the consequences of many years of silence and hidden family secrets. And it is really difficult - to come to terms with the fact that in the past, our family was lost and the losses, errors and frustration. " Take your past is difficult - it is necessary to reconsider many of their usual ideas and ideals. "We'll have to explicitly clarify the implications - who won and what the price of each of the members of the system to pay for the past, and then determine the ratio of losses and gains - sums up the therapist. - If you can not recognize, you should at least call the past - the past. And it will cease to cling, and will let him go. Then we can move on. "