Let's not rush our children!
"I have the impression that most children hear the words from me," Come quickly! "- admits 35-year-old Lika. It is confusing, but out of the situation she does not see. In Faces of three children - 11 and 6 years old and the youngest 3 years old. Of course, she knows why urges them: this requires accelerating the pace of life and the fear that they will outstrip the other, if it will allow you (and them) at least briefly slow down ... "And yet I can not shake the feeling that there is this frantic pace that something is wrong, and the middle child - very slow - just plain suffering. " Such a pattern familiar to many: to crush adult children, and those - Installation of society, forced to live at maximum speed and show the best results. "It is true that modern life does not take into account our natural rhythms - says child psychologist Galina Zuckerman. - It affects both adults and children, just children less opportunity to defend their own pace. " The reasons for which parents have to hurry, are clear: they take care of the children (which takes time), work (often both), daily spend two or three hours on the road, agree on overtime ... In addition, many of them are trying to solve all problems at once - taking his son in the first grade, they are already thinking about the institute and the army. And it would be unfair to blame them for that! "But this does not mean that we can all the blame on society, justifying themselves by saying that we have no room for maneuver", - says Galina Zuckerman. All the same it is impossible to catch everything, so the psychologist continues, "it is important to learn not to be greedy and to be able to give up that neither we nor the children can not afford right now." And it needs to realize that it is possible to reduce the pace of life of their children, slowing down in the everyday little things that we can influence.
"to find at least a few hours to" SLOW "Occupation: walk in the park, TOGETHER read or listen to music"
Fear of emptiness ... and future
Alexander 42 years. He divorced a year ago and now sees his 9-year-old son, Arseny once a week. "I would like to visit him more often, but this is not possible - the road in one direction takes more than six hours. And if I come to him after work, he was going to bed, and I can participate only in brushing teeth ... Usually all of our favorite things we leave on Saturday, but it turns into a nightmare - it would be desirable to do everything, "So the child! forced to adapt to the rhythm and the pressure not only in school. After all, parents feel guilty that they do not see their children on weekdays, weekends want to catch up ... "Meanwhile, in these days should not only not to rush, but also seriously listen to the needs and desires of the child", - he says psychologist Béatrice Copper-Royer (Beatrice CopperRoyer). To do this, adults will have to internally accept the fact that it is impossible to catch everything, says Galina Zuckerman: "There is unfulfilled: something very much like (and even had a chance) to receive, but did not have time. This equally applies to the fact that parents want for themselves and for what they want for their children. Accept this reality easier if we clearly understand what is important to me (and my child) is now; that gives both of us the greatest pleasure; which corresponds exactly to my (and his) values. But you need a good knowledge of themselves and their children. "
But what if the child could not even make the lessons? "You just have to help him to complete at least part of the job and explain to the teacher in a polite note, why it happened" - advises psychologist. If this situation is repeated every day, perhaps, the child simply can not cope with the load. And maybe he should change schools, that all life is turned into a solid homework. "Ask yourself, maybe you are trying to teach him what themselves are not strong? - Galina offers Zuckerman. - Son lacks perseverance - but it is not peculiar to his father; daughter inattentive, but the mother and often forget important stuff. In this case it is better to seek help from a psychologist. " Often the children are expected, so that they move faster, just for the sake of synchronicity: "We a whole, we have a common life, we live in the same rhythm." This (often unconscious) interfere with the installation and see and take into account the individual characteristics of children. "Parents complain that they have to run all the time, but as a way of life they have accepted and recognized for success, they can not impose it on to their children," - explains Béatrice Copper-Royer. Constantly being in stress, they become a source of stress: parents are afraid of the emptiness of his life and begin frantically to invest in the future of children, turning from the mother and father in the coaches.
Students and biorhythms
In the 1950s, a German pediatrician Theodor Hellbryugge (Theodor Hellbrugge) and his colleagues describe the bio-psychological rhythms of children according to their age, development and the environment. Prior to that, science has not shown any interest in childhood and its characteristics, and the children are considered adults in miniature (the first in our country did not agree with this approach, a pediatrician Georgy Speransky). Through research Theodore Hellbryugge it became clear that in primary school learning activity is effective for about three and a half hours a day. And in high school, it increases to four and a half hours. "There are two peaks of activity of students: the morning (9-10 hours) and day - it accounts for approximately 16 hours, - says Galina Zuckerman. - But the inevitable and individual variations - give or take an hour. On the first and the fourth class of the children is in top form, and some are not too efficient. Experienced teachers know that the best results shows class on the second or third lesson, and it is at this time planning the most difficult and important lessons. "
"Active, fast kids at school have an advantage: they can be the first to answer the question, to express themselves and to receive encouragement - continues Galina Zuckerman. - A slow-moving child loses only because it is more difficult to observe. But this does not mean that it is less savvy or not so creative - he's just a different pace comes to its results. " Father and mother in this respect, in agreement with the school, as seen in the rate of activity and benefits for adult life. "Dreamy, thoughtful child bothers them - notes the analyst children Flavigny Christian (Christian Flavigny). - Especially if they are fixated on school performance and reduce the formation of the sum of the skills that are partially replacing maturing process of the individual. " "Children usually cope with a fairly high rate, but on the condition that all they do, they do it with pleasure. Good school, a pair of circles (something for the soul, something for body) for the majority of this burden burdensome, - says Galina Zuckerman. - A hyperactive children are even useful load. They can not sit still for a long time, constantly moving and shifting from one activity to another, so it is best if all of their day is filled to the limit, so that they in the evening just fell down. But in any case it is necessary to find at least a few hours a week to deliberately slow sessions. You can, for example, a walk in the park, looking at the little things - bugs, tree bark, leaf veins ... But if it does not - do not insist, try something else: with read or listen to music. "
If we do not see that the child is overloaded, it can tell us about it in the most unexpected manner. "I always thought that my 9 year old daughter all happy - says 39-year-old Valentina. - She never protested against any musical school or against the pool and the theater studio. And English lessons it inspired ... but where before the birthday, she told me that she wants to get a gift "at least one day, when you can do nothing at all," at first I was taken aback, and then thought, how hard she had it all time "" to avoid this, all classes should plan together with the child, even with the 3-4-year-olds - advises Galina Zuckerman. - Do not try to force what we like, and offer, give the opportunity to try and make a decision. "
Common sense and the game
What happens to children who customize years? "They develop insensitivity to what they say, or accumulate a very strong resentment" - sure Galina Zuckerman. Some children become restless, get tired more quickly. Others seek struggling to please their parents and, if you can not live with the feeling of "I'm bad." And someone does not want anything. All this - manifestations unformed their own "I", says Christian Flavigny: "Constantly adjusting children, we teach them to act automatically, not only physically but also mentally, instead of thinking, to develop the concept, his view of life." And for this it is necessary to spend time on the game. "My parents do not allow children to play on the grounds that, for example, that in 10 years of playing too late - continues Galina Zuckerman. - But the game - this is what makes the child himself. Nedoigravshie children have limited creative possibilities, it is more difficult to dream and see the future. The full game in 5-10 years is better in the 15 years they have built an idea of what they want to be. " Allowing the child to play as he likes, we give him access to the world of symbols, to the ability to separate the real from the imaginary. He gets a variety of experiences that will help him to check on the practice itself, as well as others, and thus to advance in the understanding of the world and self-knowledge. Do not rush the child to grow up, give him enough of, to understand their experiences to come up with something new. "In addition to the game there are other important things that every person (and the child is no exception) have to do at your own pace. For example, easy and fun to eat breakfast, get dressed slowly, "- says Galina Zuckerman. Allowing the child to live in his rhythm, we show that we respect him just as he is, and rejoice in the fact that he has already been achieved - any pace. Perhaps his slowness seems peaceful strike, but it could well be for us a good lesson. In the words of writer Andrei Sinyavsky: "Well, when you are late, a little slow down ..."
"The course is effective parent" Thomas Gordon If we are serious about trying to understand what our children want to actually, and bring our plans in line with their needs, we have to master the art of constructive interaction with their children, using a proven method world-renowned educator and psychologist Thomas Gordon (Lomonosov, 2010).