Can one replace the psychologist?
A young woman is very excited: "Yesterday, he again made a terrible scandal, I can not go on ... Well, what can I do?" The interviewee pauses, and then confidently says: "It will be up until you finally proanaliziruesh your relationship! "Many of us tend to behave as if we are better than others know what our friends and why they act one way or another. It seems that it is not difficult - to listen and to say something in response, we have not seen, as do therapists in movies and television shows. It gives confidence and the feeling that we are saving loved ones from depression, fatal errors, or simply stupidity. But in fact we only play the psychologist, so - deceived because psychotherapist or psychoanalyst without receiving special education, become impossible.
A look from
"Friendly help, have empathy and involvement, reduces our suffering, pain and anxiety, - says psychotherapist Alexander Orlov. - But after a while, a new problem arises, we will again seek the help of friends. everything is different "in psychotherapy. "We strive to ensure that the client process has arisen a sense of movement, gradual change, - says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mihailova. - And we are building a complex system of interaction, to the one who came to us for help, sooner or later would abandon it. " psychotherapists task is to help us to take another look at their own lives. A sense of friendly sympathy - comfort, sympathy and support at the moment. Realizing at the same time the limits of their possibilities, to (not) interference does not cause additional trauma to a friend.
We console our friends in the difficult periods of their lives. And we hope that they will be attentive to us, will speak out, without interrupting, listen, understand. "Friendship is impossible without emotional involvement with each other - continues to Alexander Orlov. - Psychotherapist for successful operation requires a distance in the relationship with the client. It allows you to have an open dialogue, through which a person feels that it is taken for what it is, and you can talk about anything without fear of censure or disapproval. " The work of psychologists requires great effort and skill, and it is paid. Friendship is selfless. Therapists learn to feel the other person's, master the technique of empathic listening *. "Of course, those who choose this profession out of empathy for people, and not out of a desire to manipulate and control them, it is easier to master the ability to communicate, without judging, without evaluating other, without putting their diagnoses, - says Alexander Orlov. - But even in these unusual to listen to the other (even if he says something very minor) with the attention and care to which they are only able to. Therefore, the first experiences of psychological counseling are under the control of a supervisor, an experienced psychotherapist. "
What to do if we were unwilling witness as a friend more and more immersed in depression? "Being a true friend in this case, is to insist that she turned for help to the professionals," - said Alexander Orlov.
* Empathy - Empathy non-judgmental emotional state of another person.
Two twenty-year girl sitting in a cafe. One of them, barely holding back tears, tells the story of an unsuccessful novel. Why not carry it all the time - maybe it is something wrong? "In fact, you would like to stay alone, it suits you, and you yourself do all that you threw. You are too infantile to take responsibility for your relationship ", - the expert dispassionate tone tells her friend. Such judgments can be called "naive psychoanalysis" (or non-professional counseling): they have a lot of personal, peremptory assessments and advice that meet the commitment to excellence of those who utter them.
"The position of trusted person to whom the surrounding seek a solution to their personal or family problems, increases self-esteem - says psychotherapist Ekaterina Mihailova. - And the man quickly gets used to be "the one who knows best" and begins (often unconsciously) to play savior. Thus, he asserts itself and forget about personal problems. " So, next to the 52-year-old Olga always a lot of friends who are in need of support. She tells them a little about what bothers and worries her, but can endlessly discuss details of the life stories of their "wards". "These people cultivate someone else's vulnerability, not to think of their own, - says Ekaterina Mihailova. - Olga afraid of losing control over what's happening in your life and in some ways dependent on his friends until the next is the one who is bad, it will feel good. "
"Friendship" Igor Kon to better understand the meaning of friendship will help classic study Igor Kon "Friendship" and especially two chapters of this book: "Self-disclosure", "Understanding, sympathy and empathy" (Peter, 2005). About friendship psychology see the section "Self-knowledge".
Natural Born, students
And yet there are among us those who are particularly encourages forthright. Naturally, without any benefit to themselves. They have no desire to be a therapist for his friends. About such talk - "Yes he is a born psychologist!". "They are the ones who know how to listen, which is particularly valuable, because all around us a lot more people who are actively intervene in our lives, - says Alexander Orlov. - This is the most "friendly vest", which can be conveniently and safely to cry. " Similarly, choosing his words carefully, or just listening, they help us to better understand ourselves. We see if they approve of the father's or mother's comforting. And such people are often really good therapist if decide to get special education.
Can you tell a born psychologist from someone who, albeit unconsciously, is built around a circle "dependent"? "The first is most often without jealousy are professionals - Ekaterina Mihailova said. - A man claiming to be a special role in his environment, takes professional help painful. Any attempt to friends to solve their problems without it makes you want to immediately return the "apostate" under his wing. The existence of other possibilities seem threat of the particular situation. Try telling that to cope with the problem themselves or that are going to go for psychological training. A born psychologist will be glad, and "guru" will do everything possible to discount what is being done without his knowledge and participation. "
"A true friend - someone with whom I feel better. This is the one with whom I can laugh at themselves and with whom you can be quiet, "- says 32-year-old Sergei. "When I'm too fond of my best friend brings me to the ground, - says 29-year-old Hope. - It helps me not get lost in the novels, because I am so prone to wishful thinking. She says: "Let's see what you have in fact finally open the eyes" - and returned to me the ability to think clearly. "
Psychologists themselves have never engaged in psychotherapy with friends. "We must avoid double relations, that is, those which are added to the psychotherapeutic relationship of kinship, power, friendship or love, - says Alexander Orlov. - They prevent build a therapeutic relationship, free estimates. Psychotherapy in this case may not be effective. " Therefore, even for a therapist one must remain only a friend. The best thing he can do for him - it's comfort, support and, if necessary, to give their phone a professional colleague. No matter how paradoxical this conclusion may seem, but it is better than our friends kept from playing the psychologist, the stronger becomes the unifying our understanding and mutual acceptance. And even more so is the healing of our friendship!