Release the reins

Release the reins

With children

All parents somehow control your child's life, but some are concerned not only about his health and safety - they want to know about it absolutely everything. Dream that his actions, deeds and feelings were transparent and predictable, and try to prevent any trouble. "But the instinctive anxiety and reasonable prudence - not the same - emphasizes narrative consultant Catherine Zhornyak. - It's one thing to put on a helmet and knee son, to allow him to roller skate, and the other - to make all the same, anxious to run after him, not letting go for a moment. " Controlling parenting style does not give parents pleasure, but it allows to mute their own fears. "Anxious parents fear that a child necessarily something happens, he will grow some not so, live the wrong life - not noticing that their concerns are greatly exaggerated, - says Ekaterina Zhornyak. - The children (even small), feeling constant anxiety of adults, are excluded from them, dodging any, even pleasant, cooperative affairs. Teens prefer to keep silent or make excuses - because their every word (or action) provokes new parental anxiety. " But how to understand that the control has passed all bounds? "Pay attention, for example, on the way we listen to children's responses to our questions, - says Ekaterina Zhornyak. - "Sverhkontroliruyuschie" parents only hear the first words: they can not wait, they interrupt, ask another, that they might find their way and to direct the child in the right direction. They instinctively perceive it as an object of their power, which you can do anything you want, which can and should be managed. "

What to do?

Back to the past

"Sverhkontroliruyuschie" parents are likely to grow themselves in the family, where they too patronized or ignored them. Insecure, they reproduce the familiar childhood model of relationships with loved ones. Rethinking their personal stories (their own or with the help of a therapist) will remove internal stress, helps you find the approach to the child and comfortable for all the distance in relationships, will provide an opportunity to respect his personal space (physical and emotional), and a new way to express your love and care.

With partner

Release the reins

Catherine Zhornyak, family therapist, narrative consultant, member of the Russian Society for family counselors and psychotherapists.

To perceive a partner as a child and watch his every step, reminding even the obvious things (a taxi to the airport to leave a tip in a restaurant). Fulfill his every whim and desire, jealously limit his contact with other people or to be cold and inflexible ... In many ways, controlling of who next, partners want to feel safe and to stop (even if temporarily) to worry about what her / his not understand, let you down, throw, hurt. "We can manage a variety of fears, - says Catherine Zhornyak. - Women are often afraid of being rejected, doubt themselves, their usefulness, attractiveness, sexuality. Many men strong fear of losing freedom, masculine identity. These two fears (rejecting, on the one hand, the control - on the other) well reinforce each other. Man tries in no way yield to defiantly go when and wherever you go, the principle does not do what he asks his wife or girlfriend. In response, the woman tightens control because more begins to fear that it rejected. " As a rule, there is a couple or in a "domination-subordination", which suits both, a relationship holds for the account of one partner (the "controller"), and the second just suffer until enough forces. In such a pair often conflicts occur, and the other partner often have no option but to leave.

What to do?

take a

Sincerely believing that weaken the control is impossible, otherwise a disaster to strike (he forgets to take the suit and daughter will not be able to participate in a school holiday, and she did not leave the house on time and be late for an important dinner with his business partners), we spend energy on another and completely forget about themselves. Worth trying to explore their own desires and preferences, to recall the dreams and desires, taking care of your body, it is possible, to work with a psychologist and to regain a sense of security - and so rediscover yourself and be able to share your life with others without fear.

With colleagues

"If not me, then who?" - something like this feels like a the one who used to control the entire workflow. It's hard to trust a colleague or a subordinate even minor things, it rechecks the job done thoroughly and relaxed only when he, with his hand puts the last point. In addition, such a person often seeks to control, and that is not directly related to the case when co-workers go to work, how long lunch, what they say. "This hypercontrol helps to cope with the fear of being imperfect, unnoticed, unappreciated - says Catherine Zhornyak. - If this person can sincerely believe that it is functioning properly, and the consequences - positive. And yet the need is so much to take on at some point, tiring and frustrating, and then he has to delegate responsibility. " But give up the habit to control everything very seriously, even if we genuinely aspire to it. It's a long way, and any failure can revive our fears.

What to do?

Learn to trust yourself and others

Delegate responsibility and trust - this will have to learn. Bearing in mind that the first attempt is likely to end in failure: colleagues you really can misunderstand or do not do what they charged. It is important to decide how you will act, if it happens. As a general rule, to part with their fears, we have to change a lot more than it seems. Including start to feel good about yourself and be aware that there may be setbacks.

"I hate it when people in the frame are crying"

Katerina Gordeeva, 35 years old, journalist, author of "Defeating cancer"

Release the reins

"I have rarely come across censorship, probably because I work in another field, not where it rages. Censorship - it is when you do not say something that I must say. It is quite another thing - the ethics of a journalist. It is taught from the first year of any faculty profile. Future employees of the BBC, for example, pass such a test. falling helicopter propeller is about standing on the ground touches a man. What to do: shoot or save it? This question everyone decides for himself. Here there are no general laws. It all depends on education, morality, professional skills. It is here - the beginning of all my limitations ...

Journalistic ethics - that form of self-control, of which I am not ready to give up. For example, I hate being in a scene crying. And always I stop shooting. Sometimes, it is true that I myself crying on the other side of the camera, but that's another matter. Cause tears very easily. For most people, the shooting - an emotional experience. And if you ask the mother of a sick child: "What do you fear most?" - she starts to cry. I'll guarantee you. The question is whether it is fair, is it necessary, what goal we are pursuing, so when we organize shooting? If journalists do not have other means of expression, it seems to me, the problem is its professionalism. I worked on NTV ten years, but today we have c channel having serious stylistic differences: we have a different idea of ​​what you need, it is important that it is acceptable or unacceptable in the air that I want to (can) tell the audience and viewers want to see ... So we decided not to burden each other need to be together. In this sense, the last word is always for the channel: it is the employer. Well, I have the right to agree with him or not, that is, to work there or anywhere else. "

Recorded EZ