Second Chance puberty
"Sow a baby - you reap the whirlwind" - with a smile warned parents of teens English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott (Donald Winnicott). And this is true doubly so if a child the child does not know any rules and restrictions. "Often, after the vagaries of the first years, he does not give parents any problems - says child psychotherapist Werri Patrice (Patrice Huerre). - At this stage (6-11 years old), parents sometimes "let go the reins," seeing nothing wrong with indulging him. And when it's adolescence, it is that they live next to a ticking time bomb. " parents usually treat it with such a complaint, the psychologist Marina Kasyanov confirmed: "The child grew up obedient, open, everything was fine - and suddenly changed in 12-13 years: a left, roughly, before the night somewhere lost friends, skips lessons, does not get out of the Internet. " Many parents feel confused. Some are trying to regain control of strict measures. Others throw up their hands, believing that the child has lost, is now nothing to fix.
"Start severely restrict a child who is unfamiliar notion of discipline - then inevitably provoke a riot - sure Natalia Izbutski therapist. - Mother or father in this case goes into the enemy camp. But to play the role of a friend, a teenager indulging in everything, just as unreasonable. It is very important to maintain the position of the parent: it always involves some limitations, but at the same time a trusting relationship with the child. "
Of course, to take up education in this moment it is difficult, but the fight is not lost: on the contrary, it is the time parents get a second chance. "Never too late to steer a course that will suit both parents and child. The main thing - not to lose contact with him, "- said Marina Kasyanov. To do this, adults will have to show perseverance and consistency. Their quiet inner conviction - the main key to success.
To declare a change of course
How to do it? Tell the child directly, says Patrice Werri: "Until now we have put up with your behavior and regret it. More so it will not work, everything will change. " This does not mean that we are downgrading the status of a son or daughter, treating them like children, are obliged to obey the will of their elders. On the contrary - we recognize the child's growing up, and therefore, capable of responsible behavior. "This is the time when prohibitions on the system should move to a system of formation of responsibility, gradually releasing the child into independent life, - says Natalya Izbutski. - Take him growing up, understand and respect his new needs and interests, learn to negotiate with him. " In fact, we are talking to him, dear, you frolic, it's time to grow up. But adult status involves self-restraint. Of course, the teenager is likely to grin to himself, especially if before the parents tried unsuccessfully to get his behavior under control. But they do from this point on the real determination to appear.
to conclude agreements
"It is, in fact, an agreement which takes into account not only the requirements of the parent, but it is obligatory and child requirements, - underscores Marina Kasyanov. - The agreement must be realistic and appropriate to the age of the child. That it is possible for the 11-year (for example, go to bed before 10 pm, sit at the computer is not more than an hour a day), for a 14-year-old it is simply not feasible. " Therefore, over time, the contract should be reviewed. "The prohibitions should be reasonable and clearly brought out, and there should not be much. Sufficient if the contract will cover a number of "hot spots": mode, sleep, computer ", - says Natalya Izbutski. Patrice Werri believes that it is useful to record the agreement on paper, which can then be always refer. It can be provided and the promotion - such as mitigation of certain conditions, if the child will behave responsibly. It is very important to explain to him that the prohibitions - is not a whim of the parents that they do not think about your own comfort and calm, and act in his best interest, highlights Natalya Izbutski: "It is my duty - to protect you from anything that threatens your health, learning, life ". If you explain it clearly and respectfully, the child usually takes the new rules adequately.
This is the
"How to talk to teens listened, and how to listen to young people said" Adele Faber, E. Lane Mazlish (Eksmo, 2011).
Psychologists discuss the situations of mutual "deafness", which are perfectly familiar to many parents. How to behave when the teenager challenge us? How to react if a son over the edge? What if our daughter is not considered? The book, which wants to immediately put into practice
Be firm and encourage
However, only enter into a contract is not enough - the rebellious teenager does not miss the opportunity to test our strength. And it is natural, not accustomed to the rules, it will not be obedient in the blink of an eye. Parents have to learn to be solid. "Breaking the contract, teenager checks: how to you seriously what you say - explains Marina Kasyanov. - He may resent or complain, saying, "Mom, well I love you, forgive me, not anymore ..." At this point, some parents can not stand: "Okay, but this is the last time." Then following the breach is not long to wait. And if the child feels that the boundaries established "truth" of disobedience to the problem usually goes away. "
It is important to provide penalties for violation of the agreement. Natalia Izbutski offers in advance to discuss them with your child: "If you do not fulfill the conditions, then what?" Sometimes the children themselves offer quite reasonable measure. But since he voluntarily assumed those restrictions, the punishment for their violation must inevitably follow. " For example, if you are the first time to catch the child at the computer at night, the computer is removed from his room. A second similar case - and it is completely deprived of access to it. At stake his sleep and performance, therefore, the conditions are not negotiable. He shouts that you're crazy? "We need to keep a cool head and a clear, quiet, safe to say that you are doing something as agreed," - said Marina Kasyanov. Do not forget to praise your child for the observance of the bargain, so that in time (but not too quick) to soften its conditions.
to set reasonable restrictions
Parental care and desire to keep control of the situation should not become a "crackdown". Sometimes prohibitions are dictated not so much by a desire to protect, how much anxiety, close to jealousy at the sight of a teenage independence, fear of being alone (for example, if the mother lives only child's life), or the selfishness and caring for personal convenience. For example, a teenager of 15 years are allowed to go to a party, but only on condition that he will not touch alcohol and will be home at ten o'clock. It is clear that the company is so significant for him at this age, he did not refrain from cans of beer, if everything will drink, and he will not leave at 21.30, when the party is still in full swing. This is an example of the illogical ban, which will certainly be broken. "Children keenly feel the injustice of prohibitions - emphasizes Natalia Izbutski. - Such prohibitions are meaningless, they do not work. " "By requiring compliance with the conditions of the child, parents should look beyond themselves: Are they required? How do they know how to keep his word? - recalls Marina Kasyanov. - Because their behavior teenager builds on-talkivayas from the parent model. "
Ask for Help
What if all efforts fail and the child is unmanageable? Refer to a psychologist? But does this mean to admit defeat? "On the contrary, it is a manifestation of parental common sense - sure Natalia Izbutski. - Sometimes it is enough to consult, and if the situation is explosive - should undergo family therapy. " Marina Kasyanov adds: "Often parents are unable to cope with emotions. And it is very important look calm from the outside, to hear each other and make a difference. " Parents have to get rid of the illusion that the psychologist will "fix" the teenager. "Many come with the words: we are all well, that's just a child really got out of hand, - says Natalya Izbutski. - If we are closed, we are not able to communicate with loved ones, to trust the children, and only know how to repress and prosperous relationship will be. When parents begin to reflect, change their behavior - the children are also changing. After all, they are very plastic. Then we can reach out to teens who our support "is needed in this difficult period. So maybe adolescence child - it's also a chance to change for his parents?
"I like to live alone,"
Gleb, 17 years old, studying in grade 11
"I was four years old when his parents separated. I lived with my mother, but my father often came, and we had fun. Sometimes he took me to her. When I was older, we are together for several years traveled to Montenegro. We went on a yacht father just got a mate right and I was in his sailor - set sails, tie knots ... As a child, my father was to me a hero: it was easy with him, fun and interesting, from him I always learned something unusual, I liked his way of life, his thoughts and actions ... He never let me not particularly educated, more likely was a friend than a teacher, a father in every sense of the word. But despite this, I would never want to live in it. At any age, I would have stayed with her mother. Even as a child I was very proud of her, knowing what she was a strong person. We almost did not quarrel, I guess I just do not do more stupid things ... The conflicts we happen only because of my "night life". Every time I try to explain why I want to be in the clubs, and then just turn around and leave. But I can not think of "escape" to the Pope. When I was in 9th grade, my mother invited me to go to study abroad. I liked the idea, but his father thought that I should go to the cadet corps and military continue the dynasty. In Canada, I still left, and his father, we did not talk for six months. Now I live in the hostel, quite independently, without parents. We talk on the phone, we communicate on Skype. This way of life suits me, it helps me to be more serious about life. And grow up. "
Recorded Elena Shevchenko