When the divorce is confusing maps

When the divorce is confusing maps

Nina, 45 years old, institute teacher and mother of two daughters - 17 and 15 years, sadly notes: she and her children had to endure the conflict of authorities, which so often arises after a divorce. "When we were married, we, of course, there were disputes, but on basic educational issues, we agreed. Once we got divorced, everything has become a source of conflict. " "The real reason in this situation may not be issues of education - says the child analyst Natalia Bogdanova. - the conflict of authorities often face problems of couples who now have only expressed through the impact on children. Children - their difficulty in learning, disobedience or an illness - are the last thing that binds the former spouses, the only way to save the contact. "

Hot Potatoes

In this, as in Nina's situation are many. "After the divorce, especially the conflict between the parents often begins confrontation - confirms Natalia Bogdanova. - Everyone is afraid that the second hold of the child. " This rivalry is reflected on it, regardless of age: "A young child has enough mental autonomy, so he involuntarily drawn into the conflict - continues the child analyst. - Parents are being moved it to each other, like a hot potato, which, of course, devastating effect on him. " Caught between two fires, the children do not know and can not know where the "truth". After all, to build themselves, they need both parents - two landmark two main points of reference. And if each one of them calls into question the words and decisions of another, chaos ensues. The child does not know where his place, moreover - the confrontation of parents pushing him to self-denial, because he was descended from these two people. In the most severe cases, the child may completely refuse to listen to one of them. "Parents should be aware that those who question the authority of the other undermines its own - says family psychologist Alexander Shadura. - The child is not able to give up one of the parents - and as a result may abandon both and remain without any support, without an internal compass. "

Conflict Loyalty

Typical manifestations of this internal conflict - disobedience, rudeness and scandals, running away from home, learning problems ... In general, all the ways of rebellion against parental requirements. In adolescence, the event may take a dramatic turn. 17-year-old Lisa did not perceive parental words: "Mom always says nasty things about my father. He is silent, but I know what he thinks about it. My head explodes from both of them - behave worse than little "girl indulges in all serious, skips classes ...!

An important feature of feelings caused by separation, that the absent parent becomes the child's head in (and even more so - a teenager) hypertrophied significance: his "ghost" occupies the entire interior. This mental conflict (mother side by side, and it even too much, and my father away and seems unusually attractive) not only causes aggression and resistance, but also a sense of guilt: is it possible to experience hostile feelings towards their own parents? Some children are sent to this aggression on themselves: cause themselves physical pain, take risks (drugs, alcohol, hazardous communication ...). "Another way to suppress aggression - a care in depression - said Natalia Bogdanova. - This is especially typical for teenagers - because they seem to protect parents from his anger. Another unconscious choice of children - manipulative strategy. Because of the conflict between the parents can benefit - allowing something to do or something to do, gifts or money. Some mothers and fathers provoke such behavior when trying to appease the baby gifts and toys, not being able to show their love in other ways. " At the same time, paradoxically, children tend to maintain contact between the par- ents, even in a situation of conflict, adds Alexander Shadura: "Children at any age, often do so that parents could not solve the problem alone. Therefore, the father and mother have to talk to each other, even if the conversation turns into a new quarrel. "

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The Sunday dad or father is responsible?

The most common (at least in the Russian reality) children after the divorce remain with their mother. With his father, the children are seen at weekends and on holidays, and as a result of the time spent with him, turns into a "celebration of disobedience", where there is no place everyday care, rigor and respect for the rules. A classic paternal function is forced to take on the mother.

"Of course, socializing father and the child after the divorce is very limited, - says such a situation the Austrian psychoanalyst Helmut Figdor (Helmuth Figdor). - But something still can be done here: the father can handle the mother on the phone about what does and what the child is interested in. You can also agree on a short meeting between routine visits: let my father will meet the child at school and conducts home or they go to the movies together. It would be nice to visit is necessary not only for the weekend, so that my father cared about school child to him've also something he is forbidden - for example, to watch TV for too long. It rarely happens that a father has to go with the child (can be at his mother's request) something urgently to buy, go with him to the dentist or to talk to a teacher. In my experience, those fathers who first protested against such "responsibilities" - and not only because they take time, and most importantly, because it is difficult to give up the role of the father, with whom the child does not have to do anything bad - and then rejoiced that the new role of the parent in charge. "* * From the book Helmut Figdora "Bede divorce and ways to overcome them" (Moscow Psychological and Social Institute, 2006).

Many adults are afraid that they will lose the love of their children, if they do not satisfy all their desires, will show strictness or demands. This problem - not a rarity, and two-parent families, but divorced parents is particularly strong fear that the children will not want to see more of them prefer to live with the "other", but because they choose the tactics of seduction. They try to be kind to the child, that he listens to them, or even waive any requirements. As in this case, the other parent can obtain obedience and self-respect? Establishing rules, requiring them to perform and punishing, if the rules are not respected, it inevitably loses ... "All week I play the role of" bad, boring mother ", and when the girls go on the weekend to his father, the holiday comes, and no matter made lessons or no! - Nina complains. - My ex-husband does not hear me: "They are already with you all week, you educate them as you see fit, so leave us alone even on weekends!" Nina can not agree with her husband, and yet such a situation, you can try change (see. in the box on this page).

Everyone has their own rules of

It is obvious that in the presence of a child should never criticize the other parent. But apart from that both need to be prepared to negotiate on the key issues (where to live a child to learn, treatment, rest ...) and comply with the law, "each ruled in his." "Both parents must conclude with the child a kind of contract: here, in this house, comply with such rules, but your father (mother) may be others - suggests Natalia Bogdanova. - It is better to calmly and firmly establish your home schedule, it being understood that what is happening in the other parent, we control not only can not, but do not have to. " "Children will not suffer from the fact that the transition from one parent to another, provided that the rules are clear", - says Alexander Shadura. "At first I was annoyed that his son visited his father in his favorite garage back home in a dirty T-shirt, - says 36-year-old Cyrus. - Then I learned not to pay attention to it. To be honest, when Alyosha went on vacation with my parents, I was irritated over small things, no less, but did not say anything. " Alexander Shadura sees in this approach are clear pluses: "The fact that the child experiences different influences, turns to him an extraordinary advantage, a space of freedom that can only expand his horizons." But ultimately this is what we want for our children.

"I try not to be a substitute father"

When the divorce is confusing maps

Irina, 34 years, personnel manager, Catherine's mother, 15, and Paul, 7 years

"I would not call myself a strict mom. But I have a strong character. I think this is important. On the one hand, I have no way to tell the children: "Now comes the father, and you will understand!", The other - I do not seek to absolve themselves of responsibility. If it's hard, I always tell them openly about it. And I think they can hear me, understand and support. My way of training - talk to the children. There was a conflict - and we all try to understand why. Of course, I sometimes have to raise your voice, and even pull up the children in some situations. Despite the fact that most of all I would like to be for them "cute mummy" - gentle, caring, gentle ... But we have to be both mother and father, and a friend. While I understand: no matter how I tried to replace the children's father, to do this, I will still fail. This is especially noticeable on the daughter. I can see how she reaches for my father - his grandfather. And sometimes it seems to me that the son grows tender, vulnerable boy just because he lacks "a man's hand." But the only thing I can do for him - to draw his attention to the behavior of the men who surround us. However, I have difficulty now mostly with his daughter. She's fifteen, and she considers herself very grown ... I'm trying to talk to her, but sometimes it seems to me that she did not hear me. And then I realize that is powerless. And I do not like this feeling ... " Recorded Yulia Warsaw