Has it been my rivalry with brothers and sisters?
One has only to gather the whole family and you can be sure that this time almost certainly will come. The older sister do note - thus a tone that infuriated you still deep in my childhood. Clumsy joke younger brother, and my mother enthusiastically chmoknet his cheek ... And we do not have time to blink as sibling rivalry, resentment and grief fill us as if we were transported in a time machine back many years.
Our children's rivalry with siblings never goes unnoticed. "The Role of a brother or sister in the formation of personality is very important, more important than the battle for the possession of a mother's love - says French psychologist Marcel Rufo (Marcel Rufo). - The presence of other allows - through similarity and difference - to better define themselves as "*. But it's not easy, because the rivalry between brothers and sisters is played out not alone. These relationships always involve a third party - the parents - and the desire to excel, to excel in front of them. And much depends on their position.
A parent is rarely an objective position. "All families have pets - my father's, mother's or common - said Marcel Rufo. - I know, I said it, I can shock many: parents want to be fair to all, and especially in the distribution of love. Nevertheless, I insist to say. " And it is not necessary that the parents clearly prefer one of the children. They can love equally strong, but not in the same way. Too much depends on whether they are born in a happy or troubled times, from the first-born, or is a long-awaited daughter after three boys, on whether the child is in the disorderly uncle or grandmother-the refined poet like. Children sensitively catch the difference in relation to themselves, and not knowing the reasons, they perceive it as a manifestation of inequality. And so do their best to be like a brother or sister - or any price different from them - instead of having to open up and be happy in their own uniqueness.
The rivals or accomplices?
Rivalry, originally inherent in the relationship between brothers and sisters, may be complicated by many factors, such as divorce. "The death of the father or mother of the family can increase the responsibility that rests on the shoulders of the older - says Marcel Rufo. - Girl compensates for the absence of the mother, and the boy takes over the part of the authorities departed from his father's family. " Its difficulties experienced by families with children from different marriages. Special case - a serious illness of one of the children, which automatically pulls all the attention and care. Any of these situations, sharpens competition and weakens the other essential element of brotherly-sisterly relationship - complicity. Is it any wonder that family gatherings are transformed into the proceedings: We would like to remind each other longstanding grievances in the hope at least now to restore justice.
But even then, when the relationship of brothers and sisters look rosy, should not deceive ourselves. It is possible that the competition in this case is played quite a different scene. For example, a woman is able to repeatedly enter into a loving relationship with married men just to confront her rival - as a child confronted sister. A man can compete furiously with colleagues, seeking recognition of the boss - how to achieve the attention of his father, who communicated more with another son. Even choosing mates, we are often looking for similarities with the brothers and sisters, or, on the contrary, pronounced differences.
Is it possible to protect them from the hardships and dangers of the rivalry of their own children? Probably not, but that is not necessary. "Envy - the engine of any competition - emphasizes Marcel Rufo. - Those who are jealous, or jealous, tormented by the success of others and wants to gain the upper hand over them, which means to become better. " So, seeing a fight of children, should not interfere too soon: it is necessary to give them the opportunity to own to fend for themselves. Otherwise, children can "freeze" in certain roles: a girl who wants to dominate, the boy, who can not stand up for themselves without a mother ... But after five minutes, maybe they would have come to an agreement. "The competition between the children is necessary, but it must be constructive - said Marcel Rufo. - To do this, you need to pay more attention to the qualities that distinguish children from each other, trying to develop them, and to treat each child in accordance with his age and personality characteristics. " In other words, we must not only love their children really different, but they, and accept it. * M. Rufo "Brothers and sisters, the disease of love" (U-Factoria, 2006).
Arrange the theater
Role-playing game, which is used in the practice of Gestalt therapists, allows to understand their feelings ... without witnesses.
1 Find a time when you are home alone. Walk from room to room, free from thoughts (focus on your breathing, it helps to relax). When you feel calm and ready to start, look around. Choose one thing to "play" your role, and the second, which will be your brother or sister. Act spontaneously, without thinking, take something that arm, "she will be pulled."
Now podyschu for them a suitable place. For example, one can be put on the shelf, the other - on the floor or in a chair. Continue to act intuitively, without thinking. In this way you activate the right hemisphere of the brain (emotions, images, creativity).
Imagine that these things spoke. What do they say to each other?
If you feel that a child with you mistreated, pressed on you, you are unjustly accused, even despised, let the first thing - your character - just "tell" about it. And then imagine that you hear the answer of the second character - a brother or sister.
2 The reason for the rivalry between brothers and sisters often lies in the fact that every child is trying to be the only one like the parents (as well as in the fact that parents treat children differently). So you can play your character's dialogue with his parents (one or both), which represents some third thing. Reproaches, criticisms, demands explanations, complaints, anger ... Express is open all that you have accumulated, - loud, loud, without putting their words to any censorship. 3 When expressed and "play" is finished, you can analyze it.
What is the size and nature of the characters? In what place you put them? What words (accusations, explanations) they exchanged? What emerges script?
Ask yourself: in what situations or relationships (? With whom) you act in this scenario in my present life? What are the pros and cons of such a course of action for you? What are the benefits you would receive if there were not?
Finally, write down the points that you would like to change in their current relationships with others (for example, learn to say "no" to transfer the responsibility to take the initiative more often enjoy).
"Triumph" Written and directed by Thomas Vinterberg
Deep and bitter film about how many skeletons are stored in wardrobes of even the most affluent families in appearance. And about how the meeting under the parental roof is able to ignite the fire for a long time, seemingly extinct passion. (DVD, Ekaterinburg Art, 2004).
Anna, 30 years, teacher of English
"We were surprised to find that we have a lot in common"
"As a child, parents often asked his sister to sit with me, take a kindergarten, a walk. Olga age of nine years and, like an obedient girl, she could not refuse. But it was hard for me, and I felt it. And I think she was afraid of me - I was unpredictable, could cry if something was not in my opinion. In addition, parents have paid more attention to me, and my sister, who was then a teenager, resentful and jealous. We often argued, Olga could slap me, sometimes we fought pillows. Another stumbling block - the attention of others. I loved to be in the center, did not hesitate to nothing, kept at ease ... I remember the following episode on his birthday sister called friends. Mom asked me not to interfere and not to go into a room where there was a feast. But I really wanted to, and I, of course, came in, began to dance, to stick to all, crawl on his knees ... It turned out that the holiday with her sister, and all are engaged only in me. Now I can very well understand how she could have been hurt!
When I turned 15, my parents decided to send the two of us to relax. Olya resisted as best she could, but, in my opinion, contrary to its expectations, the trip was successful. We brought together general impressions, emotions, we were surprised to find that we have much in common.
Adulthood has united us even more. We children were born to the difference in the first nine months of the past year and a half, we lost three relatives and very close to us humans. I am eternally grateful to my sister, because she took care of her mother in the last months of her life: I lived in the country and could not often come ... All our conflicts are long forgotten, jealousy and rivalry are gone, replaced by the incredible intimacy that we found, when I finally got to know each other. "
Recorded Yulia Warsaw