Afford to make mistakes!
The main ideas of
"I think, therefore I exist", - declared in the first half of the XVII century philosopher Rene Descartes *. The phrase became airborne, but few remember that it has aphorism predecessor. Another 12 centuries before Descartes, Augustine said, similar in meaning and yet strikingly excellent phrase, "If I'm wrong, I exist" **. A great thinker and theologian regarded as a human right to be wrong - right, which so carefully deprive us today, and the school and the family, and social institutions. That is the law, which we strongly deny themselves.
The fear of nothingness
"At a recent book fair, communicating with readers, I congratulated one of them with the future of the child, - says 45-year-old publisher of Maxim. - She started, blushed, and ran away, saying only: "I'm not pregnant!" The meeting has been broken, I could not speak further. At that moment I wanted only one thing: immediately, this very moment to die! "
"Vanished into thin air", "die of shame", "burn with embarrassment" - our language is generous with scathing descriptions of emotions that we experience doing something wrong. Indeed, many of us have at least once in their lives painfully relive their oversight. But why there is a perfect storm of negative emotions and clearly inadequate? Why this horror of innocuous situations and why he is so strong that mistake unconsciously perceived by us almost as a threat to the physical existence? "Even a small mistake can cause panic and provoke a sense of fear - agrees psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen. - And these feelings are related to the experiences of early childhood, a time when the child becomes aware of his own dependence on other people and the need to meet their requirements. " And in fact: it is vitally dependent on adults. The child will not survive if it is no longer feed or not to take the arm to move across a busy street. "To keep from the abyss, to be accepted by those on whom the survival, he has to adapt to the demands of parents giving up their authenticity - continues Alexander Badkhen. - That's when the child begins to lose spontaneity in order to preserve the vital relationship. He makes his first error, which is going through as a proper mismatch just as it should be. And these discrepancies for small children really are a threat to non-existence. "
The presumption of a "rule"
It is quite understandable and negative emotions that can literally sweep over us when we allow even a small mistake. "Making mistakes, we experience a sense of shame, suffering our self-esteem, - says Alexander Badhen.- happens in such moments, we just can not make ourselves."
It is the sense of shame and punishment for error built the vast majority of social mechanisms in the human society. "Remember how the social life of the child begins in school - offers a family psychologist and consultant Ekaterina Daychik narrative. - Is it when children write dictation, someone pointed out how many words are written correctly? But every mistake highlighted red pen. The more mistakes - the more unpleasant words and listen to the child by teachers and parents, who will see the incident also reflected their own pedagogical error. I think this is generally one of the problems of Western culture: we focus on the blunders rather than success. " It is difficult not to agree. How many family storms generate an unsealed tube of toothpaste or scattered on the couch clothes! And there are frequent raptures, when the cap is screwed, and the clothes cleaned in the closet? The same applies to work. Errors in it are fraught with a minimum of scolding and fines. And here to deserve the award, often enough to fulfill their responsibilities, achievements and breakthroughs are needed. But how many they are capable of? After all, here you need to take responsibility, to make difficult decisions ... and again the risk to make a mistake.
Marina, 47 years old, entrepreneur, "I am grateful to destiny that I got such an experience,"
"The biggest mistake I made in the mid-90s. We lived in the suburbs, her husband had a good business. At some point we opened up excellent prospects, but you had to invest a large sum. With the loan did not work, and I decided to sell the apartment, inherited from his parents. I was sure that I do everything right! We moved to a safe place, and a few months later started having problems. The husband became nervous from questions about the affairs waved. I did not understand: after graduation I "worked" the wife of a businessman, no experience and knowledge I did not have. But this necessarily had to delve into the intricacies of the business: I started to understand the papers and documents that went with her husband on all negotiations ... And soon realized that my husband and was a bad businessman, and man is not very decent. I relied on the "maybe", screamed, where it was necessary to explain and agree where it was necessary to argue, and disposed of the money is just silly. And our marriage, and his business ended at the same time. In a rented apartment with my son after this promykalis almost 15 years. And now we are living with him in perfect townhouse. Son engaged in the computer business. I helped to organize the business and now CEO of work in his company. A parallel set up a small company for interior design. The experience I had trying to save your marriage and your money, I was very useful in life. So I even thankful for that mistake I was able to build his own life, which is today pleased. Although the apartment where I spent my childhood, I'm sorry until now. "
Many achievements of humanity owes it to error. Yes, and very existence, too. In fact, a mutation - a cell error. But evolution is impossible without it. With errors is closely linked and the history of discoveries. Literally Columbus discovered America by mistake: he swam some in India. And Alexander Fleming, leaving on vacation, I forgot on the table filled with bacteria cultures. If not for this mistake, he probably would not have discovered penicillin. Even mistakes psychotherapists able to help those who come for help. So, building a hypothesis about the causes of the problems, a psychologist, a psychoanalyst can make mistakes. But mistaken view is able to push the patient to ensure that get to the root of their problems and overcome them. "The patient can work blunders parents or those who look after him, using similar mistakes analyst," - says the analyst Patrick Casement *. Yu Z.
* P. Casement 'Learning from their mistakes. Reflections on the technique of psychoanalysis "(Art Nouveau, 2011).
American journalist and writer Kathryn Schulz (Kathryn Schulz) many years investigating public attitudes to errors and our fears associated with them. In his speech at the conference TED unique ideas she brings an amusing example. *** In many cartoons there are some scenes where one character in pursuit of the others (wolf the hare in the "Just you wait!", The cat the mouse in the "Tom and Jerry") makes a step off a cliff or edge of the roof. And for some time still continues to run - until he suddenly discovers that runs on air. Only after this hapless pursuer fall down. Kathryn Schulz sure we all behave exactly the same way. "We are so accustomed to the inadmissibility of the errors that sometimes just do not believe that they themselves are able to make a mistake - she says. - After all, we want to be good and successful, and the error - losers. Therefore, we are ready to the last to deny them. And when mistakes are obvious, and we ourselves, when we realize that ran through the air - we fall into the abyss, we are paralyzed and unable to do anything. " Perhaps even more dangerous is that we tend to identify with their shortcomings. "Wrong - it means you're bad. Again, wrong - again bad, it teaches us to society. And then a very easy and completely give up on her hand: I have such a bad time, what do the difference, and what to do "- warns Catherine Daychik.
The desire to avoid missteps paralyzes not only in a situation where a mistake has already been made. It is able to stop us in the development. "Unconsciously we choose those behavioral strategies that best meet the needs for survival and internal stability - even at the cost of other options, the cost of failure from a full manifestation of his personality - says Aleksandr Badkhen. - But the stability bought at such a price, by itself generates internal contradictions. Sense of shame and self-doubt are a great helper in the formation of the inner critic (whose main task will be obereganie error). In the future, this inner critic, part of this controlling personality, become an obstacle that will try to prevent the manifestation of spontaneity. "
In theory, everyone agrees with the truth "does not mistake the one who does not do anything." But in practice, many people prefer to really do nothing, but would not drop a clanger - even in situations where action is needed.
to act and do
Errors are taught to look at the wider world, and denying them, we are closing the doors to imagination and creativity. "Man - the only creature that is able to recognize their mistakes - says Katherine Schultz. - Even so they are - an advantage, not a disadvantage! "
To this advantage is fully able to use our children, Catherine Daychik proposes to shift the focus. "Parents should pay more attention not to the error, and what you get in a child - she said. - "You did this, this and this - just great! And if that's still able to cope with it, it would be all awesome! "So, we will inspire a child, not undercut his wings." But what to do by adults? Can we stop being afraid of bugs? Alexander Badkhen believes that we can. "We can not change my childhood, but there still remains an opportunity to change ourselves, our relationship to the past experience, to restore their" I ", to regain the internal integrity", - he says.
WE WILL - the only creatures who are able to realize their mistakes. And this is our great advantage!
The path to this for everybody. So, psychotherapy is gaining popularity the idea of post-traumatic growth. Its essence can be explained like this: When we make a mistake or something happens to us, we have opened and the possibility of development. Of course, ideally, it would be better not to make mistakes and avoid trouble. But since they are unavoidable, but trouble from them can be removed and something useful. Perhaps learn something about themselves or about what should be done in the future, once again faced with a similar situation. Catherine Daychik adds: "Try to think about what you really think the most terrible in life. And compare with the effects of a possible or have mistakes. " Of course, this is not a universal recipe. But it helps to understand that the reservation in a public speech or delay with the delivery of the quarterly report - not a disaster. And that this mistake is just to stop in development, depriving themselves of the opportunity to act and to do for fear of making a mistake.
* Descartes' Discourse on Method "(Academic Project, 2011).
** Saint Augustine, "City of God" (Harvest, AST, 2000).
*** Kathryn Schulz can be seen on the website ted.com