A friendship to love one another the way?
The main ideas of
- In the beginning of the relationship, we know too little of each other, to make friends.
- Always feel only passion is often sought by those who did not learn to empathize with and understand your partner.
- The longer and more safely will be a relationship in which, in addition to changeable drive, there is such support as friendship.
"A good marriage is based on the talent of friendship" - Nietzsche wrote *. Does this mean that the friendship between the partners is a condition (and sometimes secret) couple longevity? It is, says family therapist Elena Ulitova: "If you subtract the friendship, what's left? Sex, children, household, formal relationship flatmates. A friendship - is the ability to talk, common interests, support the presence of another in our lives. Without friendship married life is impossible! "But if sexual desire in a modern society is seen as a necessary condition for creating a pair," a sense of closeness, trust in it are established gradually, as in the relationship between friends. If it was only in the physical love, it would be rather fleeting relations, "- says sexologist Ghislain Paris (Ghislaine Paris). As a result of observation of the lives of many families sexologist Irina Panyukova concluded: "The ratio of sensuality and friendly feelings varies in the life of one and the same pair at different times, as well as from different pairs. Much depends on the character: among us there are those who initially longer capable of friendship, and those who are more easily responsive to erotic experiences. " In this case, a sexologist stresses that the ability to love and friendship can be developed, as well as other skills.
Love and friendship are often presented to us mutually. Magazines give tips on how to give up your friends when love is gone, and the phrase "remain friends" mitigates denial of intimacy. At the beginning of the relationship in a pair of friendly feelings are often missing: we still know too little of each other. We own our own imagination "Imagination creates the perfect image of a partner - says Elena Ulitova. - We want them to take hold, seeing in it what we want, and are not interested in what it is actually. " We still have to get to know each other, disappointing and disappointed, to forgive, to open, to negotiate ... and nostalgically recall the days when sexual desire was at its peak and did not require effort for him. Starting with a romantic passion, the partners are anxious at times, would not a development of friendship to a cooling in relations. These fears are not unfounded, according to an expert on body psychotherapy Andrei Korneev. "The sensual love a lot of selfishness. Partners crave possession, eager to win, even to subdue each other. Between them there is antagonism - partly gaming, partly real and its outcome is unknown, and it gives the sharpness experiences. And this love-eros friendship can really interfere: it has more desire to give, caring, selfless service. But the stronger the habit interferes when partners become predictable and does not surprise each other. "
CO temporal relationship becomes quiet, fear of losing each subside, but it does mean that the desire to disappear.
Psychoanalyst Kadalen Sophie (Sophie Cadalen) emphasizes: "We confuse love paired with the emotions that gives the opening of the new. Yes, of course, the heart over time is not as beating, but that does not necessarily mean that the feeling of love has gone into decline. Feverish excitement of the first days can not be preserved for a long time, otherwise we would be quite lost power! Relations are converted, become calmer, the fear of losing the other subsides, but this in itself does not mean that the desire to disappear. "
Irina Panyukova notes that constantly experience the passion often seek those who have not learned to empathize with and understand others. Not being able to harmonious relations, "the eternal rebels" find it boring, "They are attractive powerful, even destructive feelings. To give the intensity of the relationship, they fuel conflicts and quarrels, provoking jealousy or frequently change partners. "
After listening to experts, we can only conclude that sex without friendship - short-term project. Then why are we worried about the idea that sexuality is dissolved in a friendship?
"I need you by my side," Marina, 36 years, director of advertising agency
"A stranger brunette caught up with me on the street, when I left the office building, and handed the roses. I did not understand who he is. It turned out - one of those for whom I have just carried out a presentation of the project. Thus began my love affair with Andrew. He really sought me. Restaurants, Gifts - by itself, and yet he sent me emails and letters and just confessed his love every day in a new way. He could say: "Do you hear that tune? I dedicate it to the length of your eyelashes. " He had always hot palms, and after having sex with him, I cried with delight. Then I caught the flu and called Andrei, to bring a date. "Do you need anything?" - he asked. An hour later his driver brought tablets, milk, honey, raspberry, and a thick blanket. The next day, the temperature dropped, but remained a wild weakness in the toilet, I was holding on to the wall. Andrew called: "Is there anything else you need to" - "you there" - I sighed. And since the pause dragged on, asked: "Are you busy?" - "Yes, - he said - but not in this case. I can not. I'm afraid to catch. You'd better get well soon. " And I suddenly something inside curdled like milk from a lemon. Our next meeting was the last one. He insisted that the offense is stupid, asked for forgiveness, yelling at me, but I did not take offense and is not angry. I was sorry to tears both of us, but I knew that our novel end and do with it nothing is impossible. "
A little sex, a lot of friendship
Our era assigns sexuality too big a role. "It is time to judge whether there are good relations in the pair of sex drive," - says sex therapist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc (Catherine Blanc). "Couples come to my office complaining about the decrease in desire, but often I realize that this aspect of the relationship is not so important to them, - she says. - The goal is not to make love every day, and to live in harmony with their desires and decide what place in our lives, we want to take sexuality. "
As there is no identical people, there is no identical pairs. Some put on the forefront of other values and, even if sex is not too often, do not feel left out. However, it happens that a couple of friendships hides the desire to avoid sexual contact. Most often it is the partners who are afraid of their sexuality and are united in this common fear. "No longer to have sex, they are trying to protect themselves from the related fears: what if I do not show a real man or a real woman does not feel welcome, find myself not up to par or completely lost control of himself?" - explains Ghislain Paris. "I have to see partners who are each other as a nanny - continues sexologist. - They always show understanding, assume the role of parent protects it, and they develop fraternal feelings and attraction comes to naught, because there looms the incest taboo. " It seems that each pair will have to find out empirically, where the mutual openness is the border beyond which there are closely related relationships and erotic interest fades, and look for the balance between sensuality and friendship that will make the relationship harmonious.
Relations are going through ups and downs, periods of more or less passionate feelings: "We welcome the one hand, the comfort and security that gives us the friendship and on the other - Eros, which is closer mobility, surprise, confusion, - thinks Sophie Kadalen. - We are all trying to find a balance between these two extremes. " But maybe in a couple of increasing mutual confidence, we thereby extinguish the fire of desire? "If the passion gives birth to anxiety, it does not follow that by reducing anxiety, we reduce the passion", - assured Elena Ulitova. And most importantly, refusing friendship in favor of passion, we do not get the guarantee that our relationship will last longer. "Pregnancy, separation, heavy workload, or problems at work - a pair of runs in their lives through a period where there are no suitable conditions for passion. And the relationship will be jeopardized if they have no other supports - continues psychologist. - At this time, partners in communication, showing understanding, attention to the feelings of others, willingness to help. When out of the woods, the two can go back to lighter, playful attitude. But if there is no friendship, the couple may simply not survive the difficulties. "
Friendship can become allies of sexuality, says Ghislain Paris: "The sex is always a percentage of" animal "feelings. It is important to have confidence, without fear that they will abuse other and will use us. This is especially important for women who need security to give pleasure. "
The passion warms the two do not always. But if there is no friendship between the partners, their vapor may simply not survive the difficulties.
Friendship gives a favorable emotional background against which we can create erotic experiences. According to Irina Panyukova, we are able to "consciously save and return to the present, the elements that are typical for the beginning of the relationship: the promise to combine proximity with a share of uncertainty, coquetry, playfulness. Maintain interest, and sometimes distance themselves, give yourself and your partner stay, organize inspiring episodes. " At a parachute jump, a flight on a hang glider, to dance together or sing karaoke duet - and the transition to the close is a natural and joyful. "If each partner a feeling that participation in the pair makes it more than what it is in itself, save and friendly, and sexual relations, - said Andrei Korneev. - And it is not friendship and sex, but something superior, and joining them. " Perhaps this is what we call love. * Friedrich Nietzsche, "Human, All Too Human" (The ABC of 2012).