Empire of passion

Empire of passion

The intimate experience of each of us is unique and universal at the same time. We conducted a special study to better understand the most closed sphere of our life. * Now we know that 18% of women between 16 and 55 years had one sexual partner in their lives, 36% - from two to four, 46% - five or more partners. Half of those surveyed for the first time entered into proximity in 16-18 years, but for 71% of this experience has been linked with a feeling of physical discomfort. 49% said that over the past 5 years, they began to have sex more often, however, 54% of women would like to do it more often than now. 82% know their body and understand what gives them the most pleasure. The top three most erotic situations have entered sex in nature, the dominance of men over women and cunnilingus. 78% confident in its appeal, almost the same "just get pleasure from sex." But 97% believe the main trust in others, only 14% say they like open relationship without commitment, and only 7% are recognized, it is easy to change partners ... take a closer look to this portrait.

The fire of desire

Sexual desire of women is directly related to the physical attractiveness of the partner. However, for most of them the best sexual motivation are his romantic things, surprises and signs of attention, says gynecologist Sylvain Mimoun (Silvain Mimoun) **. The problem, in his opinion, is that "men and women offer the same vision of desire - impulsive. But if the first easy to take it, then the second is difficult to stick to just such a pattern of behavior. This explains the weakening is impulsive desire in women over time. "

Understand and accept the reasons for the appearance and disappearance of desire is not so simple. We are talking about our fears and expectations, which we do not dare to admit. For many years we have been assured that the desire is always stronger in the beginning of the relationship. So we have got used to consider these differences perfectly normal desire. However, what we can hardly guess about is that his whims in women are caused not so much by fatigue or boredom, as the influence of social environment, inspiring a distorted view of sexuality. "We are bombarded with clichéd images that block the imagination and drive the sexual relationship in some frame - says Sylvain Mimoun. - As a result, we focus on their physical abilities and sexual skills, rather than to give pleasure to others, and to awaken in him the desire to reply. "

The birth of sexuality

Today it is no secret that our destiny in general and personal life in particular is largely dependent on what happens to us in childhood, how much love and attention we received from their parents and relatives. But the main thing is not it, explains the analyst Laura Didier (Didier Lauru): "It's not that we have loved as a child or not. Important is this: Are we allowed our early environment form a self-love - the feeling that throughout life remains for each core and the source of the internal forces. It is the love of self and gives us the opportunity to build a relationship in pairs, to give to others what we ourselves have received in due time. No matter how many years had been in love for a while, he inevitably turns into a helpless child who is unable to properly articulate their thoughts, bewildered and bewitched eyes of its "creator" - a new partner or partner. Escape, is simply impossible to hide from this condition ... Provided, of course, that we are in love for real. "

Just sex?

Physical passion does not take into account any circumstances and obstacles. Still, you should not assume that it is capable only of destruction: the power of passion gives us a chance to solve the (possibly the first) is another important part of the self. "Sometimes one gets the feeling that sex and love, we are divorced, if they can not exist together, - says psychotherapist and sexologist Boris Yegorov. - This has a certain influence on society: we begin to treat sex as a pleasurable activity, which has nothing to do with relationships. Meanwhile, the sexual relationship always has an impact on those who entered into it. " Regular sexual encounters can not go on forever and securely, without changing the state of mind of the partners. The heroes of the film Roman Polanski's "Bitter Moon" (1992), began dating just for sex, eventually destroyed each other's lives, and encountered by sex-declaration characters of the film Frederic Fontaine "Pornographic Us" (1999) have found a real, loving care. It is worth remembering that feeling sooner or later intervene, even in relations with the slogan "sex and only sex."

Empire of passion


  • "Female sexuality" Marie Bonaparte (Cultural Initiative, the Russian World, 2010).
  • "Erotica" Lou Salome (the Cultural Revolution, 2012).

The Perfect Man

Women today, as always, it is important to ensure the survival and safety of their children. Therefore, heterosexual women are still attracted to masculine qualities: deep voice, strong chin, "manly" smell. Evolutionary biologist Randy Thornhill (Randy Thornhill) has shown that the body odor of men, whose face is strictly symmetrical (a sign of health and good genes), is a passionate desire for most women. "Desire is associated with the unconscious need to continue their family and with some powerful external stimulus - explains anthropologist Marina Butovskaya. - Something fascinates us in the other, making his wish. We can bring his body, character traits, behavior, or something very simple - a gesture, a habit. Everything that is somehow related to our personal experiences and only partly dictated by the genes. "

Sexologist and sociologist Igor Kon believed that the invention of birth control pills affect women feel feminine and changed the idea of ​​the "dream man". From that moment, the sexual behavior ceased to be synonymous with reproductive. Today, women are free to choose, they may have children or not, and somehow imagine how should develop their relations with men. And most importantly - with some men.

Pressure standards

What women think about themselves? Modern standards of appearance, which is almost impossible to comply with, sophisticated pornoaktera poses that require good physical fitness - Today the sexual relations do not allow imperfection and failure to comply to certain rules. Sex appeal becomes not just an invitation to sex, it acquires an independent value, boosting our self-esteem at all. On the other hand, sex strip is also raised very high. "Crazy orgasm - a necessary component of the sexual act. Development of their sexual abilities - each debt. Modern women are less than men strive for efficiency, so that the voltage in a sexual relationship only grows, "- confirms Sylvain Mimoun, calling this trend" unhealthy desire of our ego. " Really fun in the modern world - it is a duty .. These newly emerging concepts such as "the right to desire" and "right to pleasure", prevents us from living in the real world. "Sexual desire was something abstract, mythical, - shares his observations sexologist Sergey Agarkov. - It seems as if the pleasure and the desire not to belong to a living being, to enter into intimate relationship more as a result of which form the link between the fantasies of two different people. To regain sexual desire, we must understand that it does not arise from nowhere, and not only thanks to us - it arises under the influence of another person. "

The meaning above all

If at the beginning of relationship small enough spark to ignite the fire of passion, then eventually live together gradually cools the ardor of love. "At first lovemaking allow us to satisfy our curiosity about the partner - explains Marina Butovskaya. - It's kind of a trick that allows us to produce offspring. Once the goal is reached, the sexual impulse has no more reason to exist. He saved men and women disappears, because the latter need to find meaning in lovemaking to indulge in them. "

What I mean by this relationship? What do I get from a partner? Do we have a common fantasy? What are my real needs and expectations? Here are a few questions that will help women give new meaning (and a new impetus to) his sexual desire at any age.

* The study was conducted 14-25 May 2012 by Tiburon Research specifically for Psychologies magazine. For details, see. Psychologies.ru on our website

** The author of the book "What is preferred by women" ( "Ce que les femmes préfèrent", LGF, 2010), which is based on the results of the study "love, desire, pleasure in the representation of French women" held in January 2008.

The main sexy body

Heart rate increases, palms damp, we throw it in the heat and cold ... We feel attraction, and it tells our body. "Physiological manifestations of passion - it is the result of decisions taken by our brain at the neuronal level - explains biologist Sergey Savelyev *. - The brain in general our main sex organ. It is he who controls the inclination, it is born and matures sexual interest to the partner. " child's brain learns features of appearance and behavior of those who take care of him, and all these traits associates with pleasant experiences. And later when we meet someone who vaguely resembles the important characters of our past (eye color, face shape, smell, manners), we feel pleasure, joy. With adolescence begin to play a role hormones. Estrogen in girls and testosterone in boys determine the strength and desire to enhance brain sensitivity to the appearance of others, of their sexuality. "Hormones are many, but at the time of desire, there are three of them: dopamine, serotonin and prolactin - says clinical psychologist James Kochetkov. - First-ons and is responsible for ensuring that the pleasure lasted longer second soothes and is responsible for the feeling of satisfaction, the third inhibits the action of dopamine, helping to relax. " Elena Shevchenko * Professor of Institute of Human Morphology, author of "Atlas of the Human Brain" (Lead, 2005).

"Our differences make us wish each other"

The nature of sexual desire in both men and women completely different - and this is very good, says analyst Jean-Michel Hirt.

Psychologies: Why men and women experience sexual desire in different ways?

J.-M. H .:

Because they are of different sexes! In men, the desire manifested in the form of erection, ejaculation and removed arousal. Unlike the female, male sexual desire is concentrated on the genitals, rather than distributed throughout the body. Although it is recognized that men are able to learn to control his desire, that is, to go beyond the conventional mechanical sexuality, complicating it, and turning it into a sort of game.

What is the difference of female desire?

J.-M. H .:

To discover their sexuality and the pursuit of pleasure, the girls need to make a conscious effort, namely, to recognize the value of your gender. And for this you need to get away from the idea that the measure of "normality" is a penis. mother's task is to instill in her a love of your body and help to realize that she has something else no less valuable and important, and it is a feature of her sex. However, since it is the "other", in contrast to the penis, hidden from view, women need to open it in yourself, to know in all its fullness, trying to experience all the facets of his desire, associated with numerous erogenous zones of the female body. Women's desire not to focus on any one organ, it covers the whole body. And that is what makes it so fascinating!

That is, we are attracted by the difference?

J.-M. H .:

Exactly! When the two are joined in a burst of desire, they are still two different people. There is reciprocity, but not equality. But it is precisely this inequality and otherness and make us wish each other. Unfortunately, today there is a tendency to equalize men and women in their sexual desire. According to the standards given by porn movies, girls should always be ready for sex. Society tries to unify sexuality as a force too powerful to give her the right to identity. However, given that women are more creative sexually, they can help men overcome their phallic narcissism, restraining and limiting their sexuality. Jean-Michel Hirt (Jean-Michel Hirt), professor at the University paris nord, author of the essay "The Audacity of love - the myths about sexual life" ( "L'insolence de l'amour", Albin Michel, 2007).