My child did not go to me!

It's a shame, but our best quality (or the ones that we have a most popular) the child has not inherited. Parent is often annoying and they start to "build" a child - sculpt him a small copy. Why is it useless and what threatens? Advises Catherine Burmistrov, a child psychologist.

My child did not go to me!

That those of our quality that we like, we are used to, he did not inherit the parents ... it is difficult to accept this. Sociable mother angrily discovers that her daughter is shy in front of their peers, and the intellectual father is angry at his son, who was not interested in chess. Wanting to correct the "mistake of nature", the parents often "build" of the child: customize calm, pacify very active, make fun of shy ... Why is it so difficult parents realize that their child - not a (good), how are they?

"Often we expect to see it is not just myself, but myself," improved "almost perfect - explains psychologist Catherine Burmistrov. - This, to whom you can transfer the load of their unfulfilled plans and unmet goals. Adult warms the hope that his child will that not work out his own. Son should graduate from the university, which did not father and daughter - become an artist, as a mother dreamed. Most often this attitude is characteristic of-daffodils parents who did not really believe in their values ​​and unconsciously hoping that the child with the appearance, success will confirm their significance. "

Take in a child is not a continuation of its merits, and he himself - then see it a separate identity. And it is just as hard as we take the difference from the other person at all. Intolerance is the father or mother to the "other" in the face of her child - a sign of their self-centeredness and psychological immaturity. The most painful feelings arise when we find the son or daughter of the traits of character that are not ready to admit to himself. "First of all, we should understand that it is rather a problem of the parent, rather than son or daughter", - says the psychologist. To accept the child as a whole, with all its qualities, feelings and desires, you need to respect him and be able to put yourself in the other person. Understand it is not from their position, and "based on himself". "Noting the difference in behavior or character, try every time to record those of its features, - tells Ekaterina Burmistrov. - And then together discuss the discrepancy between you, which makes you the most emotion, noting both weak and strong points of each other. And if the child in the family is not alone, with special care to be "unlike": it's very painful - to grow and grow, feeling that something in you is rejection or anxious relatives. As in the fairy tale of the ugly duckling: it was different from those with whom you grew up, and nobody did not tell him that he is too good - in their own way. "

Catherine Burmistrov, family therapist, chief editor of the Internet portal "The family grows" ( author of several books, among them - "Irritability" (Nicaea, 2013).