I can not talk to strangers

I can not talk to strangers

Marianna, 34 years old, marketer

"Friends know that the company I find it hard to talk to those whom I do not know. And because these are real friends, they found a way to alleviate my problem: when someone of them will organize a holiday, he called me the day before, and little by little talks about visiting. He works there something in this-that is, a hobby ... Of course, with the surprise will not happen - but I still do not like surprises. But I feel confident when I know something about the other person, and I find it easier to start a conversation. "

During corporate events, looking at unfamiliar colleagues from other departments, 28-year-old Andrew wonders: "How did they all manage so easily chat with each other?" A lawyer by profession, he was a lot of talking to strangers. But here is what to say to those to whom he has no case, it remains a mystery for Andrew.

It prevents me stereotype. "What small talk - this is false and only an empty person gets pleasure from it, I learned at school, when we discussed the salon of Anna Pavlovna Scherer, from the novel by Tolstoy *, - says 37-year-old Victoria. - And I would not be empty, and I stayed away from parties. But since then, he found himself in the company, every time I do not feel at ease. " How much influence we have cultural stereotypes? "The French, for example, in a conversation it is important to show themselves educated people, American or Canadian, first try to arouse the sympathy of the interlocutor," - says the therapist Isabelle Nazare-Aga (Izabelle Nazare-Aga). But perhaps it is not only the cultural values, said age psychologist Natalya Evsikova: "Among the people of all nationalities have a sociable and closed: we learn patterns of behavior in the parental home and in accordance with their chosen ideals in literature or movies." I am afraid of another. "Do not talk to strangers!" - a phrase that we all heard as a child. "This is a reasonable caution, but the question is, who is considered a stranger - continues Natalia Evsikova. - If your family has friends and family, and the parents take children to visit, the stranger - a stranger on the street. If the parents live closed and guarded, it can be considered a stranger, anyone who is not part of the family. " And if you take any other as a potential threat, not surprisingly, did not want to approach him.

I do not have experience. The wider the circle of communication with parents, the more opportunities your child has different ways of communication and to engage in dialogue. Of course, provided that it is not prohibited. "Do not bother grown-ups!" "Shut up until you ask" - the parent replica, regularly repeating themselves, can create an internal barrier that prevents us from entering into a casual conversation. "The inability to communicate may not be a psychological problem, namely the inability - said the psychologist. - During adolescence, we will try to peers their full behavioral repertoire: learn to understand how we are interested in the other, when it is necessary to reduce the distance, and when the increase. We learn a lot of things that are beyond words. " But if from 12 to 18 years adolescent communication was strictly limited to adults, he left without this important experience. "Some thrive in the role of closed and people are satisfied with the narrowest range of communication - continues Natalia Evsikova. - But if you decide that this is not enough for you, one way out: to feel like a teenager again and start to learn. " * Tolstoy "War and Peace" (Eksmo, 2011).

What to do?

Find the right place

If you become uncomfortable in a large room full of people who go around it and find the spot where you will feel most comfortable. One more pleasant to stand by the window, while others prefer to lean against the wall. Be arranged so as to feel more secure, and to start just watch the people and the environment.

Repeat what others do

In an unfamiliar place, you can get useful information, looking closely to the behavior of other guests. Gradually, you can join in their activities. All dance - at least pritoptyvat in tact. All plates are filled - and take a piece. This will help you feel part of what is happening, rather than a random traveler on another ball.

Choose pleasant companions

Before you talk to someone, look around and choose five people, who do you think cute. People who feel your location to yourself, it is easier to respond to your cues. And if the first did not respond, go to the second, the third, and so on.