What to do when overwhelmed with emotions
A lump in the throat, a chill on his back, eyes sting from the approaching tears ... How to tell your boss that you do not manage? Frankly beloved, that you are afraid to lose it? At the peak experiences make such recognition difficult. But oddly enough, emotions are necessary in order to protect us: they come to the rescue when we are faced with the fact that we can not bear. As a result, we react in one of three ways: escape, attack or give up.
It is clear that on the crest of emotions is quite impossible to take a step back and looking at the situation from the outside, to speak clearly and thoughtfully. "Whoever tells the truth, is experiencing tremendous stress, - says Svetlana existential psychotherapist Krivtsov. - Usually he knows full well that he is now hears how much his message can knock the other out of the rut. Very often, the answer is aggression, and it is rather a natural reaction. But if the person remained calm, only slightly changed the face ... He probably was not ready for that truth, which he expressed, does not know what to do with it, and can neither grasp it nor use it. "
Therefore, no matter how bad and scary, we may be, we have no right to bring down on the other their feelings. We think that behave naturally in proportion to the situation, but others are puzzled, perhaps, frightened and do not understand anything of what we are trying to say. But we know that emotions can not be ignored: if you do not pay enough attention to them, they will bring us even more trouble. It is therefore necessary to try to understand their feelings, and then to start a conversation. Well, if before you pronounce important words, you can take a break and understand the feelings flow that captures you. "Emotions give us important information about ourselves when we have something hurts, it is important to understand, as evidenced by this feeling, - explains Svetlana Krivtsov. - It is necessary to distinguish: the fact that I was so shocked now, due to my previous experience, the experiences from the past, or comes to the situation itself "?
Emotions tell us a lot about ourselves: My fear or anger brought on by or associated with any previous experience?
If you remain silent does not work, you can try to talk as little as possible and only on the merits. It is better to confine "I-statements" to convey their feelings without blaming others. Describe the situation by himself ( "When I was waiting for you to come back from work ..."), name their feelings ( "... I was sad and lonely") and tell the request as a question ( "Can you call in the next time?"). If this conversation is not enough, try to wait a few hours to speak more coherently and calmly. "You can try to start not with the message, with the question - suggests Svetlana Krivtsov. - For example: "You probably can guess why I'm calling you?" It may be that the man himself will tell you everything, "Of course, I understand what it is about." We can not choose their emotions, but we can hear what they are saying about us. Taking them to meet the needs to which they point, or even looking at them unexpected advantages, we can gradually learn to live with them. And then we'll somehow build any serious talk.
"He warns us of danger and helps to act as circumstances require, without having to connect with the intellect - a very slow-moving car - says family therapist Barbara Sidorova. "In every interview when applying for a job, I panic, - says 25-year-old Julia. - Instead of opening to talk about themselves, their intentions, I start to stutter, lose and almost cease to understand, ask me about anything. " Family therapist explains: "Constructive fear always leads to action. We still do not know what we have to do - to flee or attack - but the muscle will be needed in any case. " Do not understand the causes of fear (it is better to do this later), try to find something that will calm you right now. If you are paralyzing gaze of another person or the intonation with which he asks questions, please look foothold. Look at the swaying branches of the trees outside the window, hold your gaze on the pattern of the wall surface or table ... pauses between sentences, to find the words that are more in line with the atmosphere, your feelings, and the subject of conversation. When passions subside, analyze what happened to you. "Usually we intuitively find the way to deal with fear, - says Barbara Sidorova. - Fear can be investigated, say, to pull out from dusk to bright light that is frightening. Other means - to discount the fear, find the right scale for him. " It is important to look for something that strengthens our confidence that the next time less fearful.
When escape is not possible, we feel the anger and the attackers themselves on those who threaten us. "Anger suggests that we are afraid of the truth, which must report - says Svetlana Krivtsov. - Or perhaps sympathize with what someone would have to say that you do not want. Angry at the same time can be on someone else (for example, the boss who gave you the authority), for himself, for the situation, and anger to carry on the person to whom the message is intended. A typical pattern: "Well, why are you like your a diagnosis and at such analyzes!" As a rule, people are more offended than what was said, but the way it was said. "
Of course, the heat of the moment it is difficult to hold back. And if a man even for a moment to think about how and what he tries to do, he did not fall through at him. The problem is what to think about it we get in hindsight, it's too late to change anything. And yet, when the anger, rage, aggression retreat, it is worth to analyze what can be done about. "It is important to find out to whom exactly we are angry - to the chief of the country's leadership, the global crisis situation ... - suggests Svetlana Krivtsov. - Look at the situation a little wider, stepped back. If the external conditions to find an explanation does not work, then you have to take a chance and see for yourself. And found that the case may have only ourselves. And only we can find a way to get stronger. "
searching IN THEIR gusts implicit meaning, we learn to get along WITH THEM AND at least in part to manage them.
When the impossible no escape, no struggle, we are trying to hide from the fact that threatens us. "And this is one of the most profound reactions: legs do not go, do not dare - says Svetlana Krivtsov. - Such a large "can not" is at the very depths of existence: "I can not be." At best a man can cry in frustration. And then the tears that hinder say will be helpful: they get rid of stress and help you to feel again, to hear himself, to make contact with them, their being. "Very often in these situations is the stronger man for which it was designed is true - the therapist said. - And then he starts to calm down and take care of who he told this truth. "
Try to find support in his own body: straighten shoulders, straighten your back, neck release. Find a fulcrum for sight: the shoulder, the forehead of your interlocutor - that anything but his eyes, which can scare you more. Say what you feel ( "I-statement") - it will also help overcome the emotional crisis. Once the situation is resolved, take care of yourself, find activities that nourish, replenish energy reserves and bring pleasure. "If we understand that nothing we can do - you need to let go of a situation and see how it will evolve - suggests Svetlana Krivtsov. - Do not throw yourself on the arbitrariness and move a step back and look: in every situation is not only limited, but also opportunities. " Including the ability to speak openly, firmly, from the heart.