I really do not know themselves to "sell"

I really do not know themselves to

PHOTO Zhiria Eric (Eric Giriat)

Svetlana, 43 years old, employee of the Bank

"You want to have your work evaluated by dignity, but themselves are always dissatisfied with what you're doing?" - asked me a coach at the training on motivation. And I got to the point: I'm mentally and then lists all its shortcomings. The coach invited me to praise itself, do yourself a compliment every time to congratulate themselves on the successful work done ... Now I feel much more confident. the boss sent a memo to appoint me to the new position "before the New Year.

"I would really like to improve ... - sighs the 38-year-old Natalia, the tax inspector. - But I do not even know how to start this conversation. At a meeting at the end of the year leader congratulates everyone, and already many times I politely thank him and go back to his place. " Some of us continue to suffer in silence the fact that they do not notice, or change jobs, and not waiting for increase on the same. Probably all shy to see a resemblance to Natalie. But that apart from shyness prevents move up the career ladder?

I do not know how to negotiate. "I do not want to ask for what I deserve, and so" - complains Natalia. Specific services, such as the profit that the employee brings to the company, improving their skills, increased responsibility and workload - the real reasons for the employee to come to the leadership in the negotiations on promotions or salary increases. "The talks - a relationship at the level of adult-adult, according to the model of personality Eric Berne - explains coach Irina Shestakova. - But many perceive their working relationship in accordance with the model family: submission - the children, and the head - a parent. Then, the main emphasis is on the personal feelings of the head: he likes an employee or not. A employee can only ask him, as a junior elder, and not focused on their skills and on how it relates to the bosses. " I'm not myself know. surrounding us will not be able to appreciate, if we ourselves do not value. And an underestimation, in turn - a consequence of ignorance, said Irina Shestakova, "If we have little idea what we want and what we can, what our communication and professional skills, we do not see its value and can not formulate a precise request. In addition, we often identify ourselves with their activities. " Doing something small, we tend to evaluate themselves and how insignificant people who have no right to rely on the best conditions.

I'm afraid to take risks. Often we automatically reproduce the familiar scenario. "Maintaining the existing order of things allows us to avoid an encounter with the unknown, the risk - says social psychologist Isabel Metheny (Isabelle Méténier). - No changes provide internal security. " Fear hear failure, unable to cope with the task, come into conflict with his superiors or co-workers ... "But what is - fear of failure, or that have greater spread in case of success?" - he asked the psychologist. Our fears give us another reason to keep the usual position. At least until then, until it have something to suit.

What to do?

Ask ourselves

Ask yourself the question

Maybe it's time to think: "Why I am not able to put themselves right? What I miss - skills or confidence? How does it affect my professional, social and family life? "Imagine that you finally got a new appointment, or you raised the salary. What do you lose? Maybe your big earnings puts you in an awkward position in front of her husband? Or a new position makes you feel guilt towards colleagues?

Look to the past

Each of us plays those scripts that have been laid at one time. Take a look at his childhood. Ask yourself: "Who resembles my boss - his eyes, gait, tone? Maybe someone from the past behaved in a similar way and today I talk with the chief as well as behave with the senior child, how was I? "The better we know their past, the better we understand that govern us. This understanding helps the viewer to move from position to the actor.

Complete training

An adult - that inner position, in which you can conduct a reasoned negotiation, as well as to take any of their outcome as a result of a specific action, rather than as an assessment of his personality as a whole. This condition can learn to recognize in themselves and train to stay in it. To do this, for example, can be trained to negotiate, which will help you to work out the desired behavior in specific situations.

Learn more

In the book "Games People Play" creator of transactional analysis Eric Berne presents a theory of the three states of "I", each of which corresponds to the behavior and experiences (Eksmo 2012).