I'm friends with his former
Better to leave on good terms, without quarrels and scenes. But some couples have never really and do not leave. Of the lovers, they become friends. Does this idea successful?
What should be the relationship with the former? Seraphim answers: "I prefer good. For the sake of his daughter to maintain good relations with her father. But co her first partner, I also talk with pleasure. These are the people who know me and who I can trust. I just can not do without them. " Why? That it prevents live completely separate lives? "After parting with a partner, many of us, like 42-year-old Seraphim, feel confused and do not know how to behave, - says the analyst Abrial Genevieve (Geneviève Abrial). - After all, in front of us few examples of conduct in such cases. Many parents have lived all my life in a pair, the children did not see how the two parted, and now they find it difficult to complete their own relationships. Another option - the parents went to the scandal, and adult children refuse to repeat their mistake. " Maybe "remain friends" - the best way? Why not? Just be good this new relationship were sincere friendship, and not the result of weakness partners.
I have a secret intentions. Of course, a good attitude is better bad, especially when the couple have children together. But sometimes because of this strong bond detected hidden feelings: the desire to look after the former partner, anger that prevents mourn the end of a relationship, or a secret hope for their recovery. These dreams and intentions, often unconscious, in themselves are not harmful, says the analyst. However, they "interfere to put in force the other person, which may be to inhibit the constant presence of his former partner." Or maybe it is easier to protect themselves from new relationships, because the pain after the break is still strong. I am like a child who needs others. "In the process of development of the individual, we all go through stages of separation from their parents, such as birth and adolescence - offers another explanation for the psychoanalyst. - To some it is given hard because separate means to become vulnerable to them. When we lack confidence, we are most afraid of losing his footing. " Parting generates anxiety and calms the connection. Therefore, it is often former partners convince themselves that everything is fine and all get along well with each other: the children, the former and new partners! "This nice fantasy driven by the need to feel that they belong to the group," - says Genevieve Abrial. So we have less tormented by self-doubt.
I can not bear to break the pain. The gap reopen old wounds. The image of the former partner returns to the image of our parents. And if a child, we felt abandoned, if suffering from a lack of attention and care (eg, the parents were too busy at work, strongly tired, or in a family was born the youngest child), the loss of a loved one makes us very strong emotions, and pain can become unbearable. There is a sense of emptiness, which urgently requires filling. We, as a child, trying to relieve anxiety separation. In this case, we are separated from the former partner only slightly.
What to do?
- End the relationship, saying spasiboPosle gap must experience sorrow and rethink the relationship. Give yourself time to understand their real needs, desires and emotions. You may find, for which to thank the person with whom parted: "Thank you for all that you gave me, for all that you have done for me, for happy times we spent together, for what you taught me" . Recognize the value of the relationship - a good way to finish them off.
- Ask yourself the right voprosySprosite yourself: "What do I really feel about your former partner? What I now expect from our relationship? I'm still angry, I'm sad? I'm afraid? What between us remained omissions? Resentment? Expectations? "Out of love can be born a true friendship, long and sincere. Provided that you also treat yourself - and genuinely friendly.
- to regain confidence in Sebeto who maintains a relationship for fear of losing ground, particularly important to restore the self-esteem and feel safe. Working with a psychologist will help you better understand what is the source of anxiety and feelings of vulnerability. Especially if your loneliness is causing your hurt and anger, it makes suffer the humiliation.
Daria, 47 years old, a dentist. "Family holidays, which I arranged, resembled a list of victories. I invite all three of my former men. The children were happy, and it does not cause problems to my partner. But that all changed on the day when one of my ex remarried. It was then that I had the feeling that I had lost him. I thought seriously about my life: I left these men, but I needed to be a major (integral) part of their lives. I realized that I need to give them freedom. And to accept that they are happy without me and away from me. "