"We are brave, when he admitted his feelings"

Coglashayas depend on your partner and do not hesitate to be sentimental, even if we were accused of vulgarity, can we avoid the love of conformity, the sociologist Eva Illouz.

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Psychologies:

You write that love and sexuality are now experiencing hard times. Why?

Eva Illouz:

We live in an era of emotional uncertainty. Landmarks, you can fix the loving relationship, give them stability, collapsed in the 1970s. In the XIX century the three spheres of private life have been incorporated into each other: sexuality interwoven with social institutions (family, marriage) and two loving relationships. After the sexual revolution, these three areas were separated from each other, the chronological order of the establishment of relations overturned when something needed to survive love to get sex, today, to establish an emotional connection, you need to start with sex. But the intimate contact, when they exist by themselves, do not guarantee the establishment of a personal relationship. Sexy "soap operas", then there is a constant change of partners, destabilize identity. When a connection exists solely as sexual, and the relationships are perceived as something momentary, temporary, and the question of the form and structure of these relations does not arise. But at the moment when the game comes affection, everything becomes more difficult: we lack the social rules, rituals and cultural codes. We have forgotten how to decipher the behavior and intentions of the other person and experiencing incredible difficulties trying to figure out what kind of story we are living now, and the other is a place in the story: "I have with it is just sex?"; "He's with me an emotional connection?". I as a sociologist I see that when we cease to understand the type of situation in which turned out to be, we do not know what social script to follow, what is our role and rules of the game. This uncertainty is worrying. That is why we are drawn to use "instructions" like the ones that are available in the manuals for personal growth or borrowing behaviors of bestsellers such as "Fifty shades of gray" 1.

Eva Illouz (Eva Illouz), author of the bestseller "Saving the modern soul" ( "Saving the Modern Soul", University of California Press, 2008) and "Why love hurts" ( "Why Love Hurts", Polity, 2013).

What are those models that can be defined as a new love conformism?

EI .:

This action aimed -Get control of the situation, to preserve freedom in the pursuit of pleasure. New love conformism - a search for any form relationships that leave us as much freedom while ensuring an inexhaustible source of satisfaction. But we know that it is extremely difficult to reconcile these two opposites: the dependence on those whom we love, and autonomy. We fall into the illusion of its own omnipotence: it seems that everything depends on us, on our right decisions and the ability to manage their feelings. We were taught to take care of the conditions of our social existence, and similarly, we must now take responsibility for their own relationships. I remember the success of the English manual titled "How to marry the man of her dreams", very popular in the 1990s. The authors give the alleged love recipes - for example, "speaking to him on the phone, put the hourglass and hang up before prosypletsya sand" - in those cases where, as we know, no there is no love. Emotional sphere increasingly resembles a minefield, where individuality found in his helplessness to learn to discuss what they depend on each other, while maintaining the autonomy, or at least the illusion of it. Is expected of us that we will find a way of functioning in the realm of the senses, but nobody tells us that we are actually dealing with the chaos that is not subject to any "principles." You criticize some modern views on love, in which conformism see also ...

EI .:

We speak of love as some stable state, which we have or will be, or not, and which we can identify, regularly asking yourself about it. It arises as a religious revelation, and immediately cause our appeal: "And suddenly I realize that I love Isabella" ... At this point, we have something fundamentally changed, and by looking at ourselves, we are supposed to immediately see this undeniable and lasting love . But love is not arranged so that it is not a revelation descended upon us once and for all. Our senses work differently! They pierce us. They are confusing, ambiguous. We do not know either how or why relations develop or do not develop in particular two people. And action aimed at finding out what we "really" feel, lead to a dead end, because our relations are developing, and the sensations change. Rabid cult of pleasure and autonomy - perhaps a way to "normalize" the feelings.

The reasons for the success of

What stereotypes and "obscene" female fantasy reflects the bestseller "Fifty shades of gray" Erika Leonard (Erika Leonard - was she hiding under the pseudonym EL James)? What are the socio-cultural realities, any line voltage in the relationship of men and women trying to overcome this book? These are the questions brilliantly meets Eva Illouz. Analyzing the success of "Fifty shades of ...", the sociologist sheds light on our current confusion on the eternal value of feelings and "crisis, in which there is sexual intimacy." Fascinating reading. E. Illouz "Hard-Core Romance: Fifty Shades of Grey, Best-Sellers, and Society" (University Of Chicago Press, 2014). Read the fragments of the book in our psychologies.ru website under "Libido".

If you love life today is normalized so, whether it is worth the risk? And what kind of courage we could show?

EI .:

Courage is not limited to sexual postures or practices that today no one is surprised. The liberation of the 1970s, and then the media have done considerable work in the public consciousness: they are very sexualized our body and loving relationship. Pornography, especially with the spread of the Internet, lifted many restrictions, made the norm "bold" and border practices: the use of sex toys, swinging, sadomasochism. courage is needed today is not sex, but in the emotional sphere. It is to abandon the stereotypes according to which the main thing - it's sex, and admit their love feelings and impulses even in the most vulgar kitsch and their manifestations. Courage today - is to be Emma Bovary.

What do you mean "kitsch" in relation to the senses?

EI .:

This sentimentality and lack of shame for its manifestations, the belief in strong feelings, the desire for absolute love. In our culture, which celebrates the independence sentiment is considered a sign of inferiority; we are all afraid of being Emma Bovary. "Kitsch" - a showy sentimentality behind a facade that conceals the fantasy of absolute love, whose secret dream of many men and women. Courage - is to give yourself a chance to live out these stories, which will allow us to go beyond ourselves. We find it difficult to establish a close relationship, because we are afraid that we will suffer or find ourselves in bondage. But it is love. This is not a meeting of two autonomous individuals, a situation in which the two can see that they begin to depend on each other, and agree to it, recognizing that each needs the other two. 1 EL James' Fifty Shades of Gray "(Eksmo, 2014).