The right to have your feelings and express them

The right to have your feelings and express them

PHOTO Getty Images

Our culture is characterized by punishing the children for the display of vivid emotions, especially aggression. Child's lecture: "Do not raise your voice when you speak to elders, do not mind!" Often bullied for suppressing emotions: "If you do not stop offending sister, I'll call a policeman, and he will take you." "If you're going to be rude to her grandmother, she is ill, die, and you're to blame." "If you scream (cry cranky), you will remain alone, we left you."

The threat of punishment, guilt, shame, fear - how to troubleshoot display bright, true emotion from the child, a ban to be yourself. As a result, reduction of the direct expression of emotions, open, bold, spontaneous interaction. The impossibility of self-assertion, claim their feelings, beliefs. Problems in interpersonal interaction can give rise to alienation, depression, chronic anxiety, mood swings, outbursts of anger, as well as psychosomatic diseases and various versions of dependent behavior.

three behaviors

There are three styles of behavior in adult life, allowing not to show true feelings.

  1. Hidden passive - search for comfort and satisfaction of the primary needs with a faceless material things (work, alcohol, drugs, food, TV, computer, game machines). The goal - a stupor: forget, disconnect from the real, true emotions and feelings, feelings replace surrogate.
  2. Aggressive - bright cynicism. People - facilities for the use and manipulation.
  3. Passive - to wear a mask of despair and failure.

When we were kids, the adults believed and obeyed. As adults, we ourselves explain the appropriateness of their actions and the correctness of the chosen strategies of behavior. Here are five emotionally devastating installations prohibiting express their feelings and opinions. 1. "If I tell him what I really feel, he would not survive, he will die." This statement is based on the idea of ​​the fragility of the other. Often the illusion of fragility partner specifically supports in order to save the situation. This fragility - manipulation. Analogue of children's horror stories that are manipulated children: "Will you make a noise, my grandmother would break down and die."

2. "If I give vent to his feelings, he lost control of himself. Angry bad and meaningless. " In fact, for a long time to accumulate the anger and irritation is bad - when the dam collapses, the effect of the Crusher. That is why constructive voice their opinions openly, not hiding and not accumulating resentment, offering mutual and open dialogue.

3. "This behavior is indecent." This statement echoes the myths about women. The role of a respectable woman (mother, wife) prohibits such behavior, "not a lady." If a real person weary of bans role if other real feelings, what is more damaging to a woman's identity? Expression of feelings or psychosomatic illness? Health or illness? Life or death?

The right to have your feelings and express them

the Alfred Langley "Emotions and existential" It is not easy to understand their feelings - sometimes our fear, anger or joy so strong and unmanageable that the vast intellect, and sometimes so weak and implicit, that we do not dare to trust them.

4. "If I reveal the true feelings, I will reject." The fear of being alone, become an outcast, the black sheep. Children's fears - "will behave this way, we give up on you, give a police officer, a stranger uncle."

5. "I am afraid that others will do in response." In a truthful, sincere behavior, there is a certain risk. A matter of choice and responsibility for the selection. It is useful to practice open, truthful relationships with loved ones, family members, relatives, friends.

useful exercises

1. "I'm so scared, and many do not fear"

The challenge is to find a "fear zone" - the things that you are afraid, even though many people are not afraid. Try to build in relation to his sentence on the following pattern: "I'm afraid ... although many people are not afraid." The task - to find a minimum of 3 fear.

Now try to figure out which ones are reasonable, rational, and what - is absolutely unsustainable, "children." For example, it does make sense to be afraid of exposed electrical wires or poisonous snakes, but there are fears and less rational, for example, fear of criticism, fear of success, fear, ask the teacher, boss.

2. "I'm not afraid, but many are afraid,"

The task is to find their "zone of courage" - to find such actions, make that you are not afraid, even though many people are afraid of. Try to build in relation to his sentence on the following pattern: "I'm not afraid ... although many people are afraid of." The task - say at least three similar phrases. For example: I do not fear the sight of blood, although many are afraid; I'm not afraid of heights, but many are afraid, and so on.

3. Guess the feeling of

To perform this exercise you need at least three people - you can do it with your children, friends, colleagues. First, the participants called each of the five senses: fear, rage, joy, sadness, pride, jealousy, melancholy, resentment, jealousy ... and write them on the cards with colored markers. Cards dealt to the participants, and they in turn are trying to show without words, it looks like the person experiencing a sense, written on the card. The task of the others - called experienced a feeling of "name". Then discuss, it was easier - to represent or to guess the feelings? What feelings are easier to depict - either positive or negative? Try to remind yourself as often as possible.

  • I have a right to any feelings - both positive and negative. I accept the feelings as they are, do not drive them away.
  • No one knows better than I do of my feelings.
  • The feeling toward others, it is better to express in dialogue with their direct participation.
  • My authority is not suffering, if I talk about my feelings.
  • The expression of positive feelings to nothing obliges.
  • Do not mix positive and negative feelings. Their sensible split over time. Praise with a vicious expression on his face only confuses the communication partner.
  • I accept and appreciate the praise of others. They do it for me.

4. "What I'm feeling right now,"

Try as closely as possible to name the feeling you are feeling right now. Try to bring a sense to the maximum - to portray him in an exaggerated, you can even grotesque. Then describe your sense of detail.

5. "Feeling plus behavior"

Select any sense and build a sentence in which you openly tell your communication partner (husband, child, friend, colleague, and so on. D.) About her feelings, and then accurately describe the behavior that caused it.

For details, see. I. Malkin-Puff "Victimology. Psychology of the victim's conduct "(Eksmo, 2010).