How to communicate with the "polar defendant?"
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"Do you want some tea?" - "No, I want to, of course." We seem to be just talk, but the inner feeling is like going over bumps and potholes. Although, perhaps, to the light target. Without these irregularities can not do any conversation with my friend Kate. She objected even to a simple narrative. Here tells someone, "I saw a store, remember that there is no cash with him, and went to find an ATM." It would seem, what is there to argue? Katya is bound to say that we had previously thought, or explain why the ATM in principle can not be used. Katya among those NLP experts dubbed "polar defendant."
Such people tend to object to any remark, addressed to them. They even agree to using phrases similar to the objection, since its agreement with the word "no." "Let's go to the movies?" - "No, let's go to the movies." They objected at every opportunity. And loud and loud. "No, it is not so!" - they say that you would not expounded them. Perhaps then they will express the idea, exactly the opposite of yours. And maybe repeat your idea in your own words. Or maybe even your words. But indicate it is meaningless. Because their answer would be ... you guessed it, of course: "No, it's not!"
the ones that are not as
Psychotherapists difficult to work with them. Outlining their problem, they reject not only the therapist's suggestions, but his assumptions. "I do not fit!", "I do not have," "I is not going to help," "With me it will not work."
It is curious that in the standard therapy treatments they actually often react manner opposite to how most customers respond. Symptom, which they refer, is often worse for some time after the therapeutic effect. 32-year-old Tatiana asked me about the food, depending on the sweet. Two days after our meeting Tatiana called and said that the next day, bought a large box of chocolates, and ate it with lust for a couple of hours. I was not surprised: it was necessary to wait until the pass polar reaction. So I offered to client the closely watched, in what situations it change the behavior of the plan fails. And indeed, after some time (about a month has passed) Tatiana has lost all interest in the sweet, and an episode of sweets completely forgotten.
We can not say that the "polar defendant" deliberately sabotages any suggestions. He sabotages congruent, that is, with all his being. He sincerely resists the effects of not only the mind but also the body, as it was the case with the candy.
Let me give another example. 40-year-old Peter complained that he could not bring himself to make peace with his brother after a long argument, which was his own fault. He had strong unpleasant feelings each time I think it's time to take a step towards reconciliation. Finally, at a session of psychotherapy, he decided: "I'll call my brother tomorrow night." But the next day he "forgot" what his brother's phone number, and "accidentally left on the" mobile phone, where the number was recorded. Reconciliation was held quite successfully in about a week.
Lelor Francois Christophe Andre "? He - schizophrenic .. How to deal with difficult people," French psychotherapists Lelor Francois Christophe and Andre describes ten types of "difficult people": those who are too dependent, self-centered, self-assured, or, on the contrary, I tend to underestimate themselves legkouyazvim, meticulous, constantly criticizes others or in great need of their attention ... From inside the polar respondent feels right and special. Maybe sometimes unhappy because others something fails, and he is not. But this is the explanation: he did not like the others.
They have heavy family life - for the same reason: they are always right when they object to their spouses. They always find with which to disagree, even in the non-conflict situations. And criticism without alternative proposals: "What do you suggest - it is bad, but as well, I do not know."
To them it is difficult to join, because if you agree with some of their statements, they can begin to contradict themselves, but would not agree with you.
For example, like this:
"Masha, I was offered the position of manager."
"You and so ever not home, I'm the one doing the kids!"
"Well, I give up."
"Did you forget that we have to give credit ?!"
And relationships are destroyed.
Polar defendant is difficult to take care, because it tells you in advance if (and to himself): whatever you're offering, it will be wrong.
How to be?
The paradoxical connection
The creator of the author's method of hypnosis Erickson joined such clients "on the contrary". Seeing a reception polar defendant, he immediately declared: you came to me in vain, because nothing I can do to help you, you have nothing. The client starts to protest and resist - and move towards healing.
When the drive is such a child, Erikon joined the protest against the child through the parents: your parents are wrong, you and I will not do it. This is called "paradoxical connection." It can be used in real life. For example, like this:
- You would not wash your hands, germs on them, too, need to somehow survive.
- Do not write an essay for tomorrow! Should the teacher someone put deuce!
- Do not come home before ten, I want to quietly talk with a friend!
Talking to an adult polar defendant, it is useful to foresee his reaction and give it a kind of "agreement to disagree":
"You may not agree with me ..."
"Of course, I could be wrong ..."
"You can agree or disagree, there is nothing absolutely correct ..."
This will soften his passion for objections and create for us a psychological protection that will protect us from resentment and unnecessary emotions.
"Polarity" is not always clear "bad" property, many polar defendants are trying in every case and the project to detect and anticipate all possible errors. In contrast, those who immediately rushes to the goal, polar defendants - criticism that need podstelit straw wherever you can. They say that "it's not because ...", and provide arguments. At the right time in the right place, they can provide an error. But they absolutely can not bring to the construction of a positive program, because they trample it in the bud. They can become experts on safety - in the broadest sense of those words. The main thing is to use their skills in the right place.
Short test: "Are you a polar defendant?"
Try if possible to objectively assess whether these allegations are suitable to your normal behavior.
- you mind quickly and willingly and agree to slow and if through force.
- When you say "yes", it sounds hesitant or with a question mark.
- When someone makes a proposal (for example: let's go to the forest), you will quickly find arguments against (eg mosquitoes there), but do not know what to offer in return.
- Following the discussion, you decide to embark on whose side; the idea that everyone in what is right, do you think absurd.
- By embracing the some thing you think about how it will be bad if you do not do that, but not about how nice it would be complete.
- When reading this test, you think: "What nonsense! Do you think this is a test ?! "
This test is a joke, but if at least half of the claims comes to you, you are to some extent a polar defendant. And if you are also not satisfied with how others communicate with you, this may be a reason to follow closely their behavior and that something in him changed.