Is a pair of come to an end?
PHOTO Caterina Suzzi for psychologies magazine france
- In a culture glorifying individual achievements, the pair having a hard time.
- We are convinced that love can last a long time did not, and do not run the risk of starting a relationship.
- The wait too much from a partner, it is better to link ambitions and expectations are not with him, and with our couple.
Agree around you little happy couples. Surviving true love dreams almost everyone, but it seems that it's not all succeed. 37-year-old Marina is confident that a happy relationship - it's about the other, not about her. "When I meet with men, the beginning of the novel every time there is a very bright, but then a joint life choking me. I do not understand how to live those who succeed. " Kristina 46 years old, she was 12 years married: "I cherish my family, but our love relationships are exhausted. I want to again feel my heart beating, feel the attraction. How to bring back the passion in a relationship with her husband? I suddenly start to even dream about a secret affair. "
43-year-old Eugene remembers the days of youth her parents: "The family as a model of social relations had not been discussed. Now we no longer believe in the public institutions. How then can we believe in the family, "The analyst Svetlana Fedorova believes that one of the major obstacles to building relationships in a pair - the narcissism of modern man. In a culture focused on personal development, each increasingly feels autonomous person. And to fixate on themselves, on their accomplishments, appearance, mood. Single status is no longer frightening. On the contrary, it seems to single there is more freedom, more opportunities. Not bound by family obligations, they can truly realize. "Of course, they think about how to find a soul mate, but at the same time seeking to enjoy their solitude, - he says with regret psychoanalyst Fabienne Kraemer (Fabienne Kraemer). - And do not take into account that the relationship in a pair can have a direct impact on their sense of inner harmony, making them happier people. " In our time, familiarity is not a problem. Websites and social networks would seem to help overcome any isolation. "But when the first dinner and first night back, it is difficult to take the next step, - says Eugene. - Everyone is afraid to get carried away too quickly, to make the wrong choice. We are stuck in a "test period" and that's depreciate. " "It scares me the idea to make a commitment, - says Marina. - Like me to do this, to deny ourselves. I'm not sure that my generation of women can adapt to the style of life that was only possible for our mothers and grandmothers. "
Yet relations arise, in spite of the fact that couples difficult start to the territory, protected by fear. Fear of making inaccurate choice to abandon their habits and rules, to become dependent on a loved one. "There is a temptation not to invest in the other, - says Svetlana Fedorova - because a new relationship can make us vulnerable. After all, we never know whether we will taken with his love, and his mental efforts, or they will be impaired. " "And at the same time we are afraid that love does not last long - adds Fabien Kremer. - In an effort to protect themselves from suffering more and more men and women do not take risks, which is necessary in order to survive a wonderful love story. " Why is the relationship became so tricky? Maybe we expect too much from them? Fabienne Kramer disagrees: "We have too much to expect from a partner and not enough by itself. We are looking for the right person for us, but do not seek to do to become a good fit. "
source of happiness, which has no equal
Most often we do not spend enough time on the relations and forces. Priorities have changed: first career, then love. Women often barely they turn thirty, hastily choose a partner and immediately give birth to a child. Orientation in the short term a heavy burden rests on the relationship in a pair. "It is difficult to present themselves together in ten, twenty years, - says Fabienne Kraemer. - This lack of co-presented by depriving them of the resources that would survive the everyday difficulties. " In addition, the media imposed notions of always "exciting", "romantic" relationship, prompting the inevitable routine of taking over the collapse of marriage. "Most couples today are paying much attention to their parental obligations - continues Fabien Kremer - and therefore does not leave enough time for yourself. As a result of parting peak in time after the birth of her second child ... "
But, no matter what threatened today pair, "we still need another person, - says Svetlana Fedorova - because it was his opinion gives us an opportunity to know and reveal themselves. We need his faith in us, according to him, the ability to give, to share our feelings. "
Love lies in the differences. "We need to see a partner of another, different from us, having by what we do not possess, - emphasizes Svetlana Fedorova. - We are afraid of the other, because it threatens our identity - but only in the dialogue or repulsion from the other, we are growing as a person. "
"The state of love is probably the most exciting, but it does not last long, and it causes us suffering - like Fabien Kremer. - changing partners, we condemn ourselves to just enjoying a snack, before reaching the main course: a more profound sense, which is set to the time when we are able to fall in love with a partner for what it is. It is this mature love brings peace. It gives us the good fortune to live with his best friend, confident that there are a number one thanks to whom we have become a. And then we feel that together we are stronger and freer. Only those who have never reached this phase of love, they think that it does not bring such pleasure as the original passion. " Consent, love, respect, commitment - these are the four components of a long relationship. To come to this, you need to get rid of the fantasies of the serene ideal of love, says Svetlana Fedorova. After all, in reality, the relationship is always ambivalent: they have both love and hate, and the sense of separation and rejection. Without a doubt, this is a challenge, and the question is, Do we have the strength to accept it.