A bit of jealousy will not hurt ... love!
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Today, jealousy - something almost forbidden. In the best case - a manifestation of bad taste. Those who talks about it, talk is always in the past tense. They were jealous, but now it's gone. "When I began to follow the woman he loved, all the time asking myself if I'm not losing my mind? - recalls the 49-year-old Leonid. - One evening her phone on the desk rang, and I saw that it appeared very tender message signed with the name of the bastard who, as I have seen, spun around the marina on several secular receptions. I was seized by a cold fury. That same evening, I demanded of her explanations. She admitted that she was flirting with him, but nothing more. I did not leave the suspicion. I went too far. When she left the room, as I was looking through her messages, then broke into a mailbox. Their affair lasted. One Saturday morning, she told me that she goes to the hairdresser. I went after her in the belief that she would go to her lover. Barber was closed. She turned her back, and I had to hide, so she did not notice me. " But the story does not end there. One evening Leonid found in the computer letter in which Marina made an appointment with the same man. When she returned, he demanded that she never met with his rival. "She was frightened. The next day, going to her mail, I saw that she canceled a meeting. " Since this story was over, and with it, says Leonid and his jealousy.
The saving passion
In most cases, jealousy bursts are no delusions or hallucinations. Rather, on the contrary, it is - the clarification of consciousness, the sign of penetration of reality in love clouded. Random letter, phone call or text messages suddenly awaken doubt, break the illusion that we - the only object of desire partner. "Jealousy shows the inconsistency of the conviction that we are loved just the way - explains psychoanalyst Roland Gori (Roland Gori). - It makes us doubt that we can be a partner for everyone, as it is all about for us. This salutary feeling, because it protects against narcissism. And even if sometimes it happens in the paranoid form, but jealousy moves the focus to the partner, who love attraction not too take into account. " It dispels the fantasy that the two can become one. It reminds us of the existence of other people. In contrast vanity and complacency, it outputs the light doubt vulnerability hurt feelings. That is why jealousy is not the best reputation, it is considered shameful and even "obscene," says writer Julia Cisse: it breaks the illusion of modern man, "ballooning of pride - in short, stout." However, the founder of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud was not wrong, considering that jealousy is inevitable, as is characteristic of human nature: "Do not believe in love, who say that do not suffer from jealousy" 1. They just pushed it, and this displacement gives it "the more important" for our unconscious life. The disastrous consequences of such a displacement tells 43-year-old Olga: "As soon as any man ever come up to me at a party, my ex-husband died away. On the way home he scolded and upbraided me, but at home pounced on me like a hungry. But he never admitted that he is jealous, although it was clear how he suffers. I think he did not quite understand what was happening to him, although he was very smart. "
"Trust renders meaningless jealousy"
Elizabeth Boyar, actress
PHOTO Anton Ground
"Jealousy - a natural feeling, but it is more characteristic of young people who live in the imaginations of passionate romantic love. I can not imagine a girl who likes and does not require anything in return. I'm also jealous in his youth, when everything is too bright, too backhand. Jealousy could cause anything: do not call, did not come, did not congratulate not looked ... I was fixated on his grievance could cry, to blame, to sort things out. And in all blame others: "You are to blame for the fact that I do not feel well!" And now I understand what a terrible mistake. Partner to be trusted, if you want to him next to you was good. In family life, I have everything else: I would never invade the space of her beloved husband. Because I know that the time and space needed me the most. The house - a place, which we perceive as our own, inviolable for others. And this feeling of confidence in each other, in the strength of our relationship jealousy robs sense. I admit flirting, I like to behave with men openly and naturally, but I never send them the sexual impulse. And her husband close to this position: we have a similar outlook on life and the family. " AA Elizabeth Boyar, theater and film actress, the film "Available" with its participation goes to rent on 21 January.
Julia Cisse calls this all-consuming jealousy "erotic rage" and recalls that in ancient Greece it was considered a "noble passion worthy of the gods, warriors and queens" 2. What we require from a person covered by jealousy? Tranquility, self-control. But love and peace are incompatible. And attempts to ignore her infertile. "Suppressing a jealousy, you will not be able to cope with it as jealousy - a symptom, not a cause, - says Ilya Gestalt therapist Latypov. - It's as if you have suppressed the temperature, instead of treating the disease. "
"Jealousy moves the focus to the partner, it dispels the fantasy that the two can become one"
When the waves have become velvety voice for someone else, the pain is so great that if it is not calm, business can reach whipping dishes. Better to whisper in his ear favorite: "Yes, I am jealous, do not look, please, at all crossing the street women. It hurts me. "
35-year-old Oksana admits that worries if you do not feel any jealousy: "I ask myself if I really like. I need to make sure that the man I wish worthy of desire: when I feel that it looks beautiful, glamorous woman, I was overwhelmed with both rage and lust. " Her current partner, in its view, too faithful to her and absorbed in his work. She does not feel that he is attracted to, or wish other women, and complains that their relationship had become too fresh.
The ratio of the three parties to
"Jealousy is inseparable from the desire. We need to partner showed us that it attracts ", - confirms Roland Gori. Did we choose the object of our desires? We are often attracted to the one who makes you want from others. And then in the third relationship is invisibly present. Jealousy is stronger the nearer to us rival externally or in nature. In addition, we often attribute to him or her dignity and quality, which are themselves, in our opinion, lack.
"Lacking the special beauty, I could guess that I prefer the other ... and when I first became obvious that I was lost, I was in despair. I bit the sheets, which are wrapped in, crying, "- wrote in his novel" Jealousy "Catherine Millet 3. Although it free woman, author of "The Sexual Life of Catherine M.", openly supported extramarital relationship with a writer and photographer Jacques Anrikom, it did not reduce her suffering when she discovered that he had an adventure: "In my fantasies, I stopped to be a center of love comfort, while remaining a spectator. " Abyss opened up: it is not the only object of desire favorite. Desire - this is only a moment. It overshadows the lovers, but remains in place, even where there is love. "There is in this something giddy when we notice that the other person - this is how Proust wrote," ... where the house is full of jewels "4. But knowing that love - is the desire to desire, we can once again be desirable for another. And this ease and sublimate the pain of jealousy.
"The one who is jealous, wants to close"
Mikhail Ugarov, director of
Photo Timur Artamonov
"Jealousy arises as a reaction to the betrayal of a loved one. Or the loss of his interest. When in doubt, it is necessary to immediately sit down and discuss what is going on? Of course, the jealous husband can not take and cease to be jealous. But I, for example, it is easier to perceive jealousy as she wittily presented in the form of games. Remember, in "Anna Karenina" Tolstoy writes about Dolly and Steve: "It was not the game between them." Relationship - this is a game, the presence of the second plan. In my life, unfortunately, often showdown turned into a scandal. Perhaps the one who is jealous, is experiencing emotional hunger, it lacks contact with a partner, want a more intimate relationship. Arranging a scene of jealousy, he feels excitement, enjoys strong emotions.
With my second wife, we went already adults and had already decided to discuss everything. And 20 years of this agreement are respected. Around me the student, the young actress - they all enjoy their charm mercilessly. And I use my masculine - without it hard to deal with my profession. Wife understands this. And we quarrel on other occasions - usually productive. "
Mikhail Ugarov - playwright, creator of the festival "New Drama", the head of Teatra.doc where now is his new show "24+".
1 Freud "Introduction to Psychoanalysis" (The ABC, 2009).
2 J. Cisse, M. Marcel Detienne "The daily life of the Greek gods" (Young Guard, 2003).
3 K. Mille "Jealousy" (Limbus-Press, 2011).
4 M. Proust "In the shadow of the girls in the color" (Alfa-2014).