Alain Ėril: "I help to die the same pair, so that the new born"
Psychoanalyst and seksoterapevt Alain Ėril 25 years working with couples. At the heart of his method - the desire and relationships, sexual fantasies and unconscious attitudes, creative search for solutions that do not exist beforehand.
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Where do you see the problem psychotherapist working with couples?
My task - to work on the senses. Once partners understand the meaning of why they act in one way or another, it becomes much easier. It's not about how to rationalize all, but at least some reflection is needed to bring into the light the causes that brought together and joined the two, to understand why they are together.
How would you define what a couple?
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For me, a couple - this is the experience of life on a shoestring. Each of the two will have to learn that "the other can not give me everything I need, the other can not fill me." Steam - this is where we ask the other what he does not have, said Jacques Lacan. And we have to accept the fact that the other we are not fully satisfied. If one partner too needs a friend, he would strangle him. And so the pair is constantly in search of equilibrium can be no peace in it: there is always work to be done. One should always engage in relationships, learn to communicate differently, to change with. Couple comes to therapy to evolve, but some part of each of the two does not want to change. In this complexity, but also the beauty therapist's work.
Alain Ėril (Alain Héril), founder and director of the Institute for Integrative Psychotherapy Indigo Formations, expert Psychologies, author of books including "Love" ( "Aimer", Marabou, 2013) and "The Woman in bloom" ( "Femme épanouie ", Payot, 2016). His website alainheril.com We have a popular phrase of Antoine de Saint-Exupery: "Love - it means looking together in the same direction" ...
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But sometimes we should still look at each other! Yes, the couple often arises due to the fact that the two are in the same direction. They have a common project, which holds together the partners, but it is important to get out of the merger and to see that we have chosen, "Who are you, the person next to me? What makes you different? "Living in a couple, we are living in their own country. We think that we speak the same language, but it is not. The question is, how do you teach me his language; how do you take me home and I accept you in my. If the partners are not ready to recognize the differences, they will forever live in the illusion of the merger: "you and I - are one and the same."
What today expect from a pair of young people 23-25 years? They have their ideal relationship?
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There are a lot of young couples who are connected quite early and who have a very romantic view of marriage. They're going to be together for life, is important to them be faithful, successful relationship. For example, he came to me a young couple, they are 26 years old, and they complained about the lack of desire. How is that possible in 26 years? It turned out that they are familiar with the kindergarten, their romance began at 16, so it is already a mature couple with a great experience. Such pairs are increasing. Often these young people who dream to create a strong alliance - children of divorced parents or parents' generation 60 who preached free love. Children build their couple "by contradiction": we want a strong relationship, we do not divorce, we will never part, we will not change each other ... They want their own way to "repair" the parental couple: our parents suffered, but we will show them that marriage - that's fine, that he can not resist. This is kind of like returning a pair of unconditional value.
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It is these traditional family values - one marriage for life, loyalty, a strong link between generations - in our government promotes today. But they are not compatible with the modern ideal of enjoyment of life, self-realization, autonomy, with the desire to make a career. We are trying to reconcile these two installations, which creates tension.
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Yes, this too can be. Those couples who are now 40-45 years old and who have long together, ask a question: "How can I be successful? Realize their desire for sex, experience new pleasures? What if I'm already tired of (a) to be with this person "Hence craze swinging: a plurality of pairs go to such clubs to gain new sensations, refresh the senses, test yourself. If one partner feels the urgent need for self-realization, he wants to determine their own lives and their goals, then the other will not help him to embarrass. As a result, the partners change each other, and infidelity are equally common among men and women. And those partners who come with complaints of a lack of desire, in the past often had extramarital affairs. Even if at a conscious level, one partner is just a friend, is still a trace of bitterness or anger. This is a big problem, and it showed, in particular, psychoanalysis. We live in a world where important subject, "I", my self-realization, my personal choice; but at the same time I live in pairs, and it imposes obligations and restrictions on me. My patients are often "stuck" in an attempt to reconcile these two requirements.
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I am a psychoanalyst, not a coach, my task is not to give advice, but they want from me is this. More and more of those who are waiting for clear instructions. Which recipe will work? What should we do? They are forced to look for a solution that does not exist. And sometimes they manage to come up with something new that is right for them and only them.
March 4 at 19.00 Winery will be the second public lecture by Alain Eryl in Moscow, "The key to understanding gender: whether we are opposed?" Details and post the link.
Alain Ėril: "In love, we ask the partner to give us what he has not. And we have to accept the fact that the other we are not fully satisfied. "
When the two come to work with a therapist, what they really want?
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They want to kill the pair, who were before. I know that "kill" - a very strong word. But they are a dying pair. You need to help her to die, to disappear, to one of the pair is the other.
Your colleague psychoanalyst Claude Almos called his book on parenting "Why love is not enough," 1. Do you think that if we talk about a couple of love enough?
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Love is not enough, but it is necessary. When somebody comes to me a pair, I will first figure out whether there is love between them: "You are here, you have difficulties, but you love each other?" My colleagues are wondering: "How do you know that they really love each other? "And I say," because they said so. " We have hundreds of years invent a definition of what love is, but if two people tell me: "Yes, we love each other," I have no reason to doubt. Then I look, there is in these respects, boredom and indifference. Because for me the opposite of love - it's indifference. And if it is, it will be difficult to operate. Generally couples psychotherapy - it is not a quick way to work can last for 2-3 years, or even 5-6 years. Partners need time.
Whose idea you rely on as a psychoanalyst?
A .: E In my work, there are four pillars. It Sigmund Freud, Carl Gustav Jung, Sandor Ferenczi and Irvin Yalom. This four thinkers, on which I rely. There were other people who shaped me, even if it may seem strange to you. I worked for seven years in a psychiatric hospital as a psychotherapist. I was lucky, I worked with these schizophrenic, and communication is very taught me a lot with them. For example, the fact that even when you're working with people crazy, you still remain in the human. And the question is, how is the human presence is manifested in people who are not with us are somewhere in another world. And it helped me to see and understand my own madness, insane part of myself. You know, to be engaged in this profession, you need to be a little crazy myself. And have a great faith in man and human.
1 C. Halmos "Pourquoi l'amour ne suffit pas?" (Pocket, 2008).